How many of you have woken up and realized, “this isn’t what I thought my life would be like in this chapter of my life.” Did it hit you suddenly one day, or like me, slowly started as a bubble and then one day Bang! Full force tornado fury. Yes, it was a rude and vicious awakening. And for several weeks I found myself feeling so angry and bitter; angry at my husband, angry at my life. Just plain angry. I didn’t know I was capable of such wrath! Who wants to wake up at 60 and find herself living in an old beat up mobile home with a man who has desire to live life? A mate who you have nothing in common with. Did you wake up and look at your husband (or wife) and finally saw the lie you had believed for the last 20+ years? It can be lonely in a marriage. I found out that binging on T.V. shows kept me from having to face how unhappy I am at this time in my marriage. It is something I will have to really look at one day, but today is not that day.
After several months of being angry and raging, one night I took time out and got honest with myself. I found that I was lashing out and feeling angry at the wrong person or people. It was me that I should be angry with. I am the one who chose to be in this relationship almost 24 years ago and it is me who is choosing to stay in it for now. It was also me who chose to quit jobs, only to find that the next job wasn’t what I thought would bring me importance and respect. I also learned each time I could find a job it paid less than I was making at previous jobs. And it is me who is choosing to stay at this job I am at now. Thankfully I have a great manager. So, that night I realized it was time to face the truth and admit to myself that it is me who got me where I am and it is me who is choosing to live as I am.
So the next question I have to ask myself is very difficult. Am I willing to continue living a lie; pretending I am happy and content with my boring life; or am I ready to take risks, to step out and live the kind of life I would like to have. Not what I think I can have or what I think I deserve to have., but the life I want to have. Today, not tomorrow, not some day. Now, today. It would mean becoming more disciplined, less lazy and much effort.
Perhaps all this is still from when I turned 60 years old last year. It had been the hardest, most painful year I have experienced emotionally. When you turn 60, you suddenly realize, this is the last chapter of your life? It is an awareness so deep, so true that it is almost too much to absorb all at once. I thought I was the only one who felt these things, that maybe it was my “fearful” nature telling me such non-sense. But I have spoken with other women who have or had turned 60 years old and they too had similar experiences. They too had a difficult time. I wonder if others who have lived full lives, experienced great adventures, wonderful careers, done what they set out to do; I wonder, do they also look at their lives, at themselves and say, “how did I get here?, is this all there is or will be?”
At first, I’ll be honest. I went into a few months of self-pity. Yes its true. I stayed angry at my husband for where we were at in our lives. for not being the man I thought he was or wanted him to be, (he hasn’t’ been that man since year 2 or 3 of our relationship!). I lived what I was always good at living. Being the victim. Look at where he brought us to; look at how my bosses treated me and made me quit, look at what the government is doing to me (another topic soon); just writing this makes me want to throw up. I hate that I so easily went into self-pity. And yes, some depression. But thankfully, something different happened.
One night I was up alone in the dark thinking about how I wished my life had gone differently. All the ways it could have been had I not messed up in my younger years. I even began to tell myself it was too late to start over; who gets a second chance in their senior years to do something new and exciting and interesting? The answer came; “A lot of people!” So I had a very difficult decision to make. What was I going to do? What would bring me happiness? I had no idea, and I am still figuring it out. I had to ask myself, was I willing to do whatever it took, to be the woman I wanted to be?
I don’t for one moment believe this only happens to women. As a matter of fact, I am considering changing the title to my blog; but need some suggestions. I will continue to write about my personal thoughts, feelings and concerns, and believe me, I have plenty of concerns for women right now with our leaders in charge. But not just women will be effected with new people being put in high positions. But once again I digress from original story. I want others to know they are not the only people who think and feel as they do; no matter your age or gender.
Last month on Sept 5th I turned 61. And the last couple months have been different. The anger has turned to sadness and some disappointments of what may have been. But no longer do I feel rage or hatred. And I know the sadness will awaken to joy and inner peace. How do I know this? Because when a person can turn from anger to sadness or hurt and then face it; she can then decide to stay where she is at because it is comfortable, or she can take a chance at looking at her possibilities and be willing to do whatever it takes to get where she wants to be. She may even ask for help! Isn’t that a new concept.
In my marriage and job situations I have chosen for this time to accept where I am at in both situations. I have accepted for now, that I cannot make my husband into someone he is not; and I can’t at this time quit my job if I want to be able to buy things or go out with friends. But the other areas of my life I am willing to take the time and willingness it takes to make changes. Just one bit at a time. And I also have decided, if my husband is happy being at his computer or kindle and being left alone, so be it. I on the other hand do not have to sit home with him. I can still go and live my life. This has brought about some arguing, I no longer stay quiet if I disagree. I talk back and if he gets mad, then so be it. I will no longer lie down and feed his ego or pride at my emotional expense. Man I sound like a lion!
You see, for the past eight months I have done very little but walk out of my office, (I have the privilege now to work at home) into my living room; get into my recliner and watch t.v. shows. T.V. binging they call it now. And I would do nothing else. Once a week on Sat. I would go out to meet with other women, then I would come home and get right back into my recliner. The silly thing is, every night I would go to bed thinking about how much of my life I am wasting not doing anything! Then the vicious cycle would start all over again the next day. I have put on a lot of weight due to this unhealthy life style and a job where I sit all day. I bought a bike at the beginning of the summer and rode it twice. I blame it on not having any friends to ride with. The women I know who ride, really ride. I mean up the mountains, 15-20 miles on bike paths; come on, I haven’t ridden in years, no way can I keep up, and I am certainly not going to ask them to go my speed. They aren’t that close of friends. The few close friends I do have, don’t ride bikes. And I love riding my bike! That’s what gets me. Watching women doing activities they enjoy even if it means doing them alone! Why? Because they want to and don’t care how they look doing their activities. They aren’t worried about what others think when they see them. Me, I just know if I ride down the road EVERY house will have people staring out the windows waiting to watch me make a fool of myself and they laugh. Or call their neighbor up the road to be on the look out for the crazy lady trying to pedal a hundred miles an hour because she can’t figure out the speeds!
Anyway. It is a new time. New Beginnings. No more living in the lies that tell me it is ‘their” fault I am miserable or not where I want to be; lies that tell me I’m too old to start, who is going to take me serious at this point in my life; lies that assure me it will be too difficult and therefore not worth the energy. Lies, lies and more lies. Do you want to know the truth? Are you sure? Because you might have to face your own demons if you do. Well I’m going to tell you anyway, you (anyone) may not even read this. It is more for me than anyone. The truth is, I am holding me back. I am lazy and always wanting the easy path to take. I don’t want to be inconvenienced either. Nor do I want to hurt anyone’s feelings because I don’t have the time they want from me. I am finally doing things that I enjoy or need to do and this leaves little room to make new relationships. I have enough very close friends and I want to have room in my life for them. Does this sound selfish? I don’t think so.
Today, getting back on my blog and writing instead of leaving my office was a first step of many that I am planning to start taking. I am also going to be starting a course once a week for ten weeks. Not a big deal? It is from 6:30 – 9:30 at night! And on a work night! I have this rule in my head that says I need to be in bed at 9 pm. Now I go to bed at 8:30 thinking I will read then be asleep by 9 pm. I will get a good nights sleep. Well, the next thing I know it is 11 or 12 oclock! And not because I am working on something important. Nope, I am on Facebook, Newsweek, or worse, watching YouTube videos.
So, I’m not getting the sleep I need, I’m not exercising and I’m not eating right; Do you see a pattern? Then I lay around beating myself up for not taking better care of myself or not doing what I know would benefit me and enhance my life. Which in turn would bring enjoyment into my life. The thought of actually accomplishing something or finding I enjoy something really scares me. I have no idea why, I realize this sounds crazy.
My new routine will look something like this. (Sometimes it will be in my head of course). I will write on here once a week, even if it doesn’t make sense. It will be for discipline and practice. Not to please someone or be a famous writer. I don’t write to be famous one day, I write because I love putting words out on paper, or in this case the computer. How many of you though, still love putting pen to paper? I do! Journaling and sending notes in the mail bring me a lot of joy. Both of which I quit doing as well. This job working in a call center calling people all day, trying to upsell is very draining! There I go again, blaming something else for my own laziness.
Oh yeah, back to new beginnings. I will be taking a course every week, and will have homework. I joined a really cool church that embraces people from all backgrounds; It doesn’t matter what you believe or don’t believe, if your gay or straight, atheist or Christian. Doesn’t matter, it is a very spirit based church and I am excited to take this course, “Beyond Limits”. I think it is exactly where I am at in my life. There are no coincidences. I once heard someone say, “Coincidences are God’s way of staying anonymous”. I love that. And third, I am going to start taking Yoga classes. A women has decided it was her way of being of service to others; being available at a cost I can afford. Best of all it will be in her home, so I don’t have to be self-conscious around the skinny, young women who can twist themselves into pretzels. I can barely hold any position more than 60 seconds!
So this is a new start. A journey away from the lies. Freedom of no longer being bondage to lies.
As usual, this is short. Perhaps the more I write, the better I will become and longer I will post. Hopefully through this journey I will learn what my true genre is to be.
Thanks for being here with me on this journey of “growing up”.
Cathie Speaks Her Mind 