Menopause be Damned!

I don’t know when it happened, nor did I say I was ready. No one told me menopause would be so darn painful; both physically and emotionally; for myself and those living under the same roof.

Have you noticed all the subtle changes that take place in your body? Changes no one warned you about? And of course those that you are too embarrassed to talk about or tell anyone. Lucky for you my dear ladies, I am not one to keep things to myself, personal or otherwise.

One reason is because I don’t want to believe I could possibly be the only woman out there who is suffering from menopause’s evil tricks. (Not all ladies have the luxury to take hormone therapy). The other reason is because I am hoping you will be brave enough to share your own experiences and perhaps some helpful advice to conquer some of the maddening symptoms menopause strikes us with. Take hot flashes for instance. I had been warned that these would be very uncomfortable, but who knew they would be embarrassing as well? Have you been hit by one while on the job. In a meeting. Someone looks at you as if to say, “what is wrong with you woman?” Or, the sympathetic look that says, “Oh poor dear, you are having a hot flash aren’t you?” No lady, I’m fantasizing about that hunk that just walked by. Of course I am you foolish woman! Why else would I be undressing in the middle of January in 25 degree weather.

And of course mother nature likes to play jokes. You notice a few days have gone by and not one hot flash?  Just as you relax and think, oh thank  God its over, boom, you are hit with a flash that feels like a volcano took over your entire body, sweat oozing from every poor like lava. Sweat pouring down your face and neck into your cleavage, if you have one. I never did until I got older and no longer needed the damn things. Now I can just let them sag into my underwear, who needs a bra.

OK so back to the issue at hand. Menopause. Have you noticed your moods are like riding a roller coaster? One moment you are on top of the world, two seconds later you are ready to walk out on your marriage and you are hurling insults at the poor man called your husband. I hate that I have to apologize for ripping his head off. Doesn’t matter that he deserved it at the moment. Same thing at work. One minute I love my co-workers, the next they are as useless as rocks. Then there are the depressive moments. Life just sucks. When will these symptoms go away? And suddenly the horrifying thought comes, maybe they never do!

How much weight have you put on since you hit menopause? If you are one of those ladies who are lucky enough to answer, none, let me just be honest and say I hate you. I have gone from a nice petite size 8 to a bloating hippo of size 12 and quickly moving to 14. I swear to you I am gaining poundage every month! Yes, I am eating more. But how do you ignore or fight off the cravings for the very foods that are making you fat? I have an opinion on why mother nature is doing this to us. She is protecting us from harming ourselves if we fall. Really, no joke. Look  at the frail elderly women; what do they break when they fall? Exactly, their hips. So those of us who now have  “curves” do not need to worry about breaking our hips; we have padding. But I don’t want padding of this size!  And if any of you comment to exercise and eat healthy food, I will delete your silly comment! I already know this stuff. I just don’t have the discipline or on some days, the desire to do what is healthy. So it is a lose lose situation. You diet and exercise and feel deprived and miserable. Or you eat what you love and still feel miserable because you put on more pounds. I think Mother nature should be referred to as Father nature. A women would never do this to her own species.

OK, now for the really embarrassing symptom that goes with the later menopausal years. Vaginal dryness. Just when we are at the time in our lives where birth control is no longer an issue, nor working around our menstrual cycles, (no, I did  not have sex during my period, that was just too messy and disgusting for me). So now  these are no longer issues or interferences for love making, and I am at the time in my life where I should be enjoying sex with my husband, it is too painful. So we buy over the counter remedies, only to get an infection or have to wear a damn pad so as not to wet our pants from liquid dripping out of our private areas. Oh come on, you know what I’m talking about. May as well still have my period for goodness sakes. Oh this reminds me. Have you ever wondered why women don’t reach for the tissue box after love making in the movies?  Guess they didn’t really please their man did they. Ha ha.

Yes, I was offered medications for normal estrogen, the ring and creams. But for some odd reason the insurance companies think sex is not a medical necessity. Hell it isn’t!  If you want to continue having a happy healthy marriage it sure as hell is. And who can afford $300.00 for something that might work? I will be honest however. There was a time when I could not wait for my husband to finally desire sex less often. And now I have what I have been waiting for, and dammit, now my hormones are screaming for sex and more sex. OK, not really. But cuddling is still fun and desired. But I don’t want to make him think I am wanting more. Sometimes I do, but more times  I don’t. Perhaps this will change in my 60s. Does it?

I will be turning 60 this year and will write my next post about all the emotions and thoughts I am having about that!

So, that about covers it for me. Menopause stinks more than I had anticipated and it makes me wonder if I stink from all the sweating. Now I know why perfume is so popular, not to mention expensive! Really, why are all the things that make a woman feel attractive and desirable so damn expensive?

I want to be able to say men have it easy. No periods, no pregnancies and no menopause. But ladies lets be honest. They do have to put up with our moodiness and yes, meanness during these times. And they too, have to deal with their changing bodies. Why else do you think Viagra is so popular?

Well, if anyone out there is experiencing the same hell I am, I sure hope to hear from you. I was open and honest about this delicate area in our lives, so can you! Remember, you are not alone. Menopause be damned, we shall prevail in spite of it! We are still women. We are still desirable, just in a different manner. We are still important to society. We are not getting old, we are getting strong! We can laugh back at natures cruelty and say, “I will not let this get me down. No, I will enjoy my life in spite of menopause and its symptoms. Are you ladies with me? Of course you are.

 

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I don’t want to be married Anymore!

Is it wrong to not want to be married anymore after 20 years? Am I a bad person if I get irritated that my husband, a good man, bugs the hell out of me? I just get tired of him being around all the time. I get up, he is there; I come home from work, he is there; when I go to bed, he is definitely there. I just want days where I have the house to myself. To be able to have friends drop by anytime they please without having to plan it around his schedule, or give him a heads up so he can plan an evening in his bedroom. Is it so terrible to want my own place? Am I alone in these desires?

I love my husband. He is a good person deep down. But truth be told, he is a bother these days. He is like a house leech attached to his chair or computer. His presence can be felt like a ghost, you sense it, but it is invisible. This wonderful man is not one  to sit down and have a good conversation with. Unless that is, you want his opinion on everything you bring up. Being perfectly content with his computer or books, it can feel lonely at times. Not important or special. We have become those old married couples who some days, just tolerates one another.

I am not getting any younger and feel I am missing out on having a fun, fulfilling life. Or perhaps I am using him for an excuse not to live life in a manner that brings joy and excitement into my life. I am standing around watching friends and others experience new adventures and card night. If I were to start living outside my relationship with this spouse of mine, it only brings about a sense of guilt for having fun while he stays home. It doesn’t occur to me that perhaps that is what makes him content and happy. The poor man, he doesn’t understand what would make his life more pleasant. If only he would listen to my advice.

We are so different, he and I. I love to be around friends and yes, strangers if they are interesting. My husband  is content being with himself alone. I don’t think he was looking for a wife when we got married. He was looking for a companion. Someone to be there when it was convenient or he had a need.

In all fairness I must admit he has his good qualities. He must or we wouldn’t still be together, would we? Oh dear, another question. If I were to wake up one day and decide this was not what I wanted anymore, would I have the courage to get out? Would it be right? Or is this all a part of going through menopause, or perhaps a midlife crisis, although I am more a senior now. But we will discuss that in my next post.

So then, my goal for this coming weekend will be to ask myself and meditate on how I can find my own space in this double wide trailer. Where and how do I set a room that can work as my sanctuary. My own personal space. I will get back to you next week on what I have accomplished. Do not be alarmed if one morning I simply changed the locks when he went out for a bit. Hey don’t judge, its the easier simpler way. It would keep us from having a break up over a huge fight. Oh don’t fret, it is just a fantasy, I wouldn’t really do it. Would I?