Rage. My own personal four-letter word.

Well, its late but I didn’t want to go to bed. Actually its just past 9 pm, so for many its early I suppose. Truth be told, its early for me as well. The last couple weeks I have found myself going to bed right at nine because that is “our” bed time. It suddenly dawned on me, no, that’s “His” bed time. When did I stop doing things at night? I go to bed, we read together, or play on our kindles; he goes off to sleep and I am still awake. Ten o’clock rolls around and I am still lying awake playing silly games being totally unproductive. So I wake up the next morning whining to myself about my uneventful, boring life.

I would love to be able to say its all his fault. Many other wives would probably encourage me to; then they too could blame their unhappiness on their spouses. Unfortunately we know deep down this isn’t true. That old adage, happiness comes from within, is true. I didn’t believe this myself until recently. Believing it however, doesn’t make it any easier to live by. I struggle every day to find something to be happy about within myself. But no matter how hard I try there are just days when the bad Cathie stands up to the good Cathie and shames her into believing this is all she is. If it weren’t for the wonderful women that have been lead into my life the last few years, I would no doubt still fell depressed and self loathing beyond salvation. OK, that was over the top, but had to say it.

Some of it  however, is true . There was a time I was filled with self loathing and lacked any sense of confidence whatsoever. I am so happy that isn’t me today. Today I am a happy, bat shit crazy broad. I have gone from being depressed to angry to raging. And, my dear friends, I will blame on menopause until the day I die or overcome it. That is just how it is.

I don’t like my rages, but somehow I have convinced myself that its a step in the right direction. But! The direction they fly to is not the right direction. Flinging my anger at my husband is not the right thing to do. Didn’t that sound good? Well, I’m lying. The times I get real angry at him feels justified. And if you try to tell me its not, I will send it your way. Do you know that kind of rage? Uncontrollable bat shit crazy rage. Words come shooting out of my mouth I would never think possible. At least not out loud. Then I feel horrible later and my pride won’t let me say, I’m sorry, I was wrong. Because I’m not convinced I am, at least not at the time, OK, not for that day or night. Then I do the stupidest thing possible. I talk to a close friend. Yup, and then I am lead to see that it was not about him or if it was, he still does not deserve that kind of treatment. Let me just say, I don’t think its fair that I look at my actions but he isn’t made to look at his. Where is the fairness in that? There I go again, not being truthful to myself. No one deserves to be disrespected no matter how wrong they are, or how right I am. Having mature logical friends isn’t always what its cracked up to be. I’m warning you right now. If you are happy being miserable and angry at your spouse, do not, I repeat, do not get into good wholesome, healthy friendships. They will ruin your right to be right.

So, my last rage was over the office  not getting cleaned in the time table I was told it would be. Shouldn’t I have been more patient? Given him more time to move out his stuff he hadn’t used in years? No. Why? Because, and those of you who have perfect husbands, won’t understand this, but if I gave him more time, he would take it. And I would risk waiting another 10 years to get my own office. So, to show I was right, I am now typing on my blog in my office. And! It is nicer than I expected. I even painted the wall I face grayish blue, then just wiped the paint brush with yellow and green all over it. Just a mess, and I love it! It screams creative. So when I look up I smile. It affirms that I am a creative woman who is finally feeling content. Today I am OK learning and allowing myself to be who I was born to be. A creative spiritual being. And the greatest part is that I am actually getting to a place where it doesn’t matter if others don’t agree. All that matters is that I continue to surround myself with loving, encouraging, creative women. We were meant to be connected, I believe deep down we are all spiritual in some manner. It is up to us to find out what that means to us. I am still growing and learning what it means to me.

So back to the matter of that four letter word, “rage”. It almost always comes from fear. Fear I will never experience or have what I want, or fear I will lose what I have. And it is always due to one of two things. Lack of self confidence and fear of taking risks. For instance, I don’t want to retire at the job I am at. I am grateful to have this job, however I do not want to retire or die in this  position, or work place. I am not my job, I know this, on most days anyway. I am accepting that it is not conducive to me growing and experiencing who I really am and who I can and want to become. Of course it would help if I knew who I am or what I would like to do. But someone I respect told me once, just go for it. If you see a place you think you would enjoy working at, go inside and ask if they have a position open. Have you ever heard of such a thing. Ironically, this lady has actually done this! What a kick in the behind. I don’t think I have that kind of tenacity or boldness. But then perhaps that is because I don’t have that kind of self-confidence. But it won’t come if I continue to sit around whining about how miserable I am, or yes,  sit around yelling and screaming how its all my husband’s fault. He is stopping me from doing what would make me happy and alive. How can he stop me from doing or being who I want to be if I don’t know who that is myself? Do yo see the insanity here? If not, you have no right to judge me. You are obviously further along in your life and don’t need to be wasting your time reading this blog. Did you just see what I did? I lashed out on someone I can’t even see or even know is out there! I am truly a woman in need of some ideas.

Well, now it is getting close to my bed time so I will close this and re-read it tomorrow. Perhaps I will be able to shed some light on all this. Don’t get too excited though, just because I get a good night sleep, does not at all mean I will be anymore sane or mature. It just means I will be more alert and able to share more of how I do not have a handle on my periods of raging. I can only hope once again, that I am not alone in this journey.

Well, its been a couple days. I have sat quietly alone reflecting on my previous thoughts. I have sat down with a trusted friend and shared how bad my rages were becoming and how I thought it was hormones. Imagine my shock when she stared at me for what felt like an eternity. Finally she said, “Cathie, what are you afraid of?” My jaw dropped. What the hell was going on? How did this become about fear and not hormones? Then it hit me. I have been using hormones as an excuse for months. Deep down I knew she was right. Fear was once again controlling my life. I have been so afraid of what could happen in the future that I was not living in today. Instead of living in the moment and all the good I had, I was living in what “might” happen. I had my husband sick or even dead in a few years, me living out on the street as a bag lady. Again I was trying to control something I neither had control over, or knew would even happen. Why is it so difficult to just take responisiblity for what it is I can do today and then just enjoy and do something creative or fun the rest of the day.

I decided to be courageous and sit down with my husband and go over our finances together. I have avoided this for years. If I don’t know how poor we are, then I can pretend we are fine and go spend money. But if I know what we owe and what we make and the two don’t mesh, well, then I have to face the fears this brings and then let it go. Accept what I cannot change and ask for the courage to do what I can. There is a power much greater than me that will get me through the fears and yes, out of the rage, if only I allow it. I heard this phrase, Let Go and Let God a while back. A good thing to remember and chant whenever I am into fear. But I also need to do it. Not just say it, but do it.

So I will end this post here. Go do something constructive and then play a game with my husband. Yes, I will have to suggest it, dammit. But there is a choice here. I can wait for a miracle, which would be him knowing what I would like to do, then rage later over how little he loves me or cares about me enough to want to play a game. Or, and this is letting go of my pride and wanting to be a victim, I could ask him to play a game. And he will. If he says no, then I will use my four letter word. Or maybe I will call a friend. There’s a thought.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this talk. No one is reading my blog as yet, but I am determined to keep writing until I know what women want to hear about or talk about. I have so many different areas I could discuss. I just don’t know what you would like to  hear. So, if you are reading my blog for the first time. Please, leave a comment sharing with me what would interest you. Til then, I will say “Good day.”