Becoming My Better Self

Recently two big, difficult things came into my life. Loss of job and communication wiht two sisters. Let me start off by saying, it was my choice to quit my job before I was unjustly terminated by a wicked evil step-boss. As I look over the last 7 years of working with this woman, and how I behaved like such a people pleasing child hoping to win her approval and thus causing her to like me and approve of my work; I realize all it got me was 7 years of hard labor with little respect.. I guess its true, to gain respect you have to earn it. I did not. How could I? I had none for myself, how could I possibly expect it from others?

The other difficult decision I made was to have no communication with those two sisters, a long time necessary choice. (Don’t judge me if you happen to have a healthy family background). I have no idea where I am going from here, nor what I want to do in my  next job. I have a lot of these unwelcome pesty thoughts running through my head telling me all the things that will keep someone like me from  gainful employment. Old hands, slightly graying, although beautiful hair, so I am told. And of course, there are those horrible hairs that pop up on your face without warning and you are sure everyone has seen them, but didn’t feel right telling you. My husband is the worst; when I yell at him for not telling me about the foot long hair I had just found, he claims in a defensive tone, “I didn’t notice it!” OK, come on, how could he not see it when we are close up kissing? Alright, its true, its not like he is thinking with the head on his shoulders at these times.  We all know how much we love to walk around showing off our hormonal facial hairs. I feel lately like I am plucking more and more of these damn things. Perhaps I should have my whole face waxed. Has anyone done that? How did help you, or not help you? Please don’t let me do something I will regret just because you did. We have to have each others backs at this time in our lives. Remember back when, we would worry so much about looking just right for an interview? Now its about making sure we check our faces and chins for any lurking hairs.

Ok, so I have no idea what my next step is to be. I suppose it would be looking for a new job. That would be important I suppose, but where do I start? I need a list. A step by step “to-do” list. You know, have a resume, write a cover letter, look on Craigslist, Indeed.com, other sites. Maybe I should look into temp agencies. Its been so long, do you still have to take a typing test? Oh crap did you pick up on that? Worried about a typing test certainly ages me. Now its testing on computer programs. You have to be careful about what you ask and say so you don’t age yourself. (Like my hands and gray hairs won’t). But instead, I find other things that are more important. Household chores. When I first became unemployed I was up and at my desk every morning by 8am. Like I was going to work. Or getting down to the workforce for classes or help of some sorts. Lately, I am lucky if I check one job site. Quitting is no longer an option for me. Taking the easier softer way is no longer acceptable. I must carry on, one foot in front of the other.

Now to positive thinking. I have taken 8 hour classes on Excel, as well as other classes that may be beneficial in my job search. I am learning so much and feel invigorated every time I catch onto something new. It needs to be on my list of “to do” each day so I retain the information. (Of course that is assuming self discipline resides within me, which it does not). I have also begun walking almost everyday; today I went further, hoping it was a mile. I bought a Fitbit that arrived yesterday, hell if I can figure out how to set up the darn thing. Lets face it, when it comes to reading directions I fail miserably. If I can see how it is done I would have been wearing it this morning,

Then there is eating a healthy diet. If I am going to do an exercise program, I may as well top it off with a good diet. Of course we just had my 60th birthday party and I have a quarter of a bag of chips to finish off and several cans of soda. I do not like wasting food, so I will start eating well as I finish off the bag of chips. My weight will probably stay the same or gain pounds rapidly as it seems to be doing for no fault of my own. Menopause has become the go to answer when I do not want to own responsibility for something, like weight gain.

Then there is the washing of my car. Since my husband and I have been together, he has washed my car. Its true, for the past 23 years I have not washed my car. Nor filled it with gas but a few times. Embarrassing when I admit it now. It used to be, “see how great my husband is, he washes and fills up my car.” Recently it is more like, “Dammit I can wash my own car and fill it up too!”

Suddenly reclaiming my long lost independence has become very important. Is this a middle age thing? Hubby is not liking it too much I am sure. It is taking away his sense of being needed. It is ok though, I will let him continue washing his own clothes, he hates how I separate my laundry (lights and darks, no whites). and I will continue to allow him luxury of grocery shopping.

Lets see, what else am I doing for enhancing my better self” Writing on my blog has become more frequent. Takes longer to post because I am not a proficient writer with years of education. I just tell you how it is, not worrying so much about comma’s, dashes and the like. Failed English in high school. You have probably figured that out if you are a regular reader. So, I have to go back the next day and reread the post and look for mistakes or where I could say something better before I hit the Publish button. Reading others blogs was intimidating at first. All I did was compare my writing to their professional writings and picture formats and boom, no more blogging for a while. Feelings of embarrassment and insecurities overwhelmed me. Now, I take it as a learning experience. Following others blogs has brought enjoyment into my life once I dismiss the negative feedback my brain gives me.

Then there is the making my bed every morning. That’s right, this sixty year old woman has not made her bed every morning. It is a waste of time you know, later that same day you then have to put away the pillows, fold down the comforter and crawl into bed. Only to go through the same ritual the next day. I am doing it now because a friend told me if I did this every morning I would gain self discipline. That is going to be a miracle for sure, but hey, why not give it a chance? It does make me feel good when I walk into the bedroom and see the nice bed.

So, learning computer programs, exercise daily, eating a little better, practicing self discipline, writing on a regular basis and oh, I have begun knitting and cross-stitching again when time allows. If I quit watching my favorite television shows time would allow much more allotment for these crafts I enjoy. Truth be told, watching the tube gives my an opportunity to escape my dull life. Writing this shows me what a stupid thing that is. Knitting, crafts, studying new things would help me overcome the belief my life is dull and uneventful. I am active with my social life as well. Great group of women friends that give positive energy to anyone they are around. I hope I am that woman to them.

Well, don’t you think these are good beginnings towards becoming the “Better Me”? Lets say it is. For the next two weeks I will keep track of how I am doing with these activities. Will I see a positive direction or will I see the same old Cathie I have always been, undisciplined, fearful and somewhat insecure. I’m going to look in the mirror every morning and tell myself what a strong, wonderful lady I truly am. I am going to look that lady in the face and say, “Cathie, you are truly becoming a better you.”

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

A new Chapter

Well, it is here. Once I go to bed this night, it will be the last day of my 50s. I will awaken a middle aged woman of 60. Why is this birthday effecting me so much? No other birthday has bothered me. Hell, when I turned fifty I had a big party and I looked great. Thin, good skin, strong legs and arms. No one believed I was actually turning 50 years old. Now, I am fat, graying hairs, saggy skin and must I admit, dentures. Ughhhh!!

I told my husband and friends I didn’t want a surprise party. I just wanted a damn party. If I am going to turn old, than dammit I am going to do it with fun and surrounded by great friends. That will be in a few days. Without these dear friends and my good husband, this could have been a very depressing, lonely time.

So, I am about to wake up as a sixty year old woman who quit her job a few weeks ago and is experiencing the new electronic age of applying for jobs. Its not too bad actually, just have to upload my resume. answer a few questions and hit enter. Done. That is until you get that scary phone call asking you to come in for an interview. You can have a great resume, but that doesn’t mean you will look as great once they see you in person. I am lucky in that my hair is just now beginning to gray. However, it is very dark now and that means it is about to really gray! I’m serious. Watch yourself. When you notice a hard, dark strand of hair, I guarantee you it will be white or gray the next day. I witnessed it myself.

So, back to this job hunting deal. I look down at my hands and yes, they tell  my age. Wrinkled, arthritic. So why do I having my nails done every couple weeks, it only draws people’s attention to my hands! What kind of job am I qualified for? Receptionist. But who the hell wants a receptionist that looks like your grandmother, even if she is attractive. (Except for the hands, belly, saggy knees, need I go on). Thank goodness for long skirts and slacks. Loose tops don’t hurt either.

OK. No more bashing myself. I ought to  be happy I have lived to reach my new chapter in life. Excited about what is around the corner. Its a whole new chapter with benefits. Think about it. No more competing with other women for attention from the guys. Or dressing better than the women across the office. No more worrying about how you look, (ok, not as much). But the truth is, if I accept this new year coming upon me very shortly, and I go with it, it could be fun. Of course it would be more enjoyable if I had a job to go to each day. Isn’t it funny how we complain about our jobs, and yet when we lose them, we wish we had one to go to? It’s really not about the job though; its about having the money I so dearly enjoy spending.

This new chapter is going to be one of learning new things; experiencing things I’ve always been afraid to. It can be as simple as learning the light rail. It sounds like a small thing, but if you are like me, you have only had to drive within 15 miles of your home in very light traffic. Now I am looking to expand my area. What better way than on the light rail. Its five minutes from my home. So I will begin by writing out steps I will need to take in order to meet this goal.

That’s it! I need goals for the coming year. I will start with short term goals and move up to long. They will be realistic. For example,  I am not going to strap myself to a cord that bounces 100ft or more toward the ground below. How do I know if the young guy or girl strapping me in didn’t break up with their significant other. Or is in a bad mood and distracted; one missed loop and I am not going to be worried about the next big birthday. OMG! That’s 70. I am closer to the grave than my mothers uterus. The time really does go faster as you get older.

It is important that I do set goals. Putting together a list these goals will give me assentive and I will be accountable to my readers, (lets just pretend there are some for now) to follow through with these set goals. Now I am getting excited. It always helps your disposition when you see the positive instead of negative.

The only disappointment I have is that I am still filled with fears, insecurities and some immature behaviors. Do other women suffer from these afflictions? I foolishly believed that by this time in my life, I would no longer be afraid or insecure. Of course when I was younger, in my twenties, I thought I would be dead by now. Sixty seemed so old. I am sure some of my friends and family expected I would be dead by now for different reasons, one being, my mouth. It tends to be unfiltered at times. Well, a lot of times truth be told.

So now I have something positive things to work on for the coming year. Or perhaps I could be really brave and set goals for the next five. Who knows, I may still be here. It doesn’t matter. Goals give a person a reason to get out of bed in the morning. They can also cause one to gain self-confidence and unselfishness. Today I will find time to sit down and write short and long term goals for myself.

Well, now I have to run to the dentist. Then I will spend my birthday hiding in my house all day because my dentures are being re-lined and I won’t be able to pick them up until late this afternoon. And just because I am now an old lady to young people, does not mean I am going to let them see me toothless!  Wow, look at me admitting to my blog readers I wear dentures. Now when I am well known and on the Ellen Degeneres show, the audience will be waiting for me to spit my dentures out when I talk. Can that be a goal? Spitting out my dentures on the Ellen Degeneres show in five years? Oh come on, if we are going to accept our older bodies, then at least lets have a sense of humor about it.

My husband will be home soon and I hate being on my blog when he is around, makes it difficult to concentrate, plus if he doesn’t know I am writing on my blog, he won’t remember I have one. Besides, I honestly don’t believe he even is interested in reading it, never mind remember I have one. It is nice to have something of my own. It is a place I share openly and honestly regarding my marriage and its challenges in hopes of getting other women to relate and share back about. We all have things about our husbands that we sometimes think we are alone in or shouldn’t talk about. I also don’t want to deal with him feeling attacked or picked on. (I wish you could hear me laughing all this stuff).

Now back to my original topic of my upcoming dreaded birthday tomorrow, Sept 5th, 2017. I am hoping to hear if I will be receiving unemployment benefits soon, which would make it a great birthday, or an “oh crap” birthday if I am denied. Great way to begin this next chapter, no teeth, no job, uncertain about whether I will have unemployment benefits and being alone on this special day. Well this is a positive, mature attitude, feeling sorry for myself over a day that isn’t even here yet! I guess we can only wait until the day arrives to see how this will all turn out. I can be pro-active and do tasks that will make me feel good about the day. Or if I prefer, cuddle up in my recliner and watch movies all day. One never knows until they wake up what is going to happen or how they will feel.

I need to learn how to add pictures to my blog. Brighten it up a little. I read other blogs and they have pictures of things they are blogging about. It makes you look more interesting and professional. One step at a time. First thing to do is committing to making more of an effort to be disciplined. No more being immature and doing it when I “feel like it.” Isn’t that how a child acts? Oh, there’s a goal!

Hubby just rode up on his motorcycle so it is time to take a break for now. Perhaps I will get back on after he goes to bed. It is so peaceful and wonderful to be up late when most people are in bed and its quiet. If it weren’t for the skunk infestation lately in our neighborhood, I would sit outdoors on my deck and journal.

Blog at you later my friends!