I wasn’t raised in the church, I did, however, go through the whole Catholic rituals as a child, but we stopped going after I made my first Communion. I missed it terribly for some time. It was while I was going to Catechism that I first remember believing in a loving God. I would look outside my bedroom window after my dad was done beating my mom and it was all quiet again. I would stare at the stars and smile, because deep down I knew there was a God of sorts who did love me, even if I didn’t understand who God was I knew I was somehow apart of him. I believed God loved me and I wanted to go be with him in heaven.
As the years went on and the abuse and violence in our home continued to get worse I lost sight of God. I no longer believed nor took time to think about him. My life was a mess in all areas. My great granddad came to live with us when I was 11 years old and molested me at the age of 12. However, I loved him. He showed me that he too, despite what he had done, loved me. He was always so happy and relieved when I came home from running away. Even after he had stopped the molestation, he continued to show love for me. I loved him so very much. I remember to this day, the night he died. I had gone in to check on him. He was not responding, he was just laying there with glazed over eyes. I called my mother at work, she said to leave him alone and let him sleep. The next day when I came as I was waking towards my house after school, I saw the “car” leaving our driveway. I knew in my heart Opa had died. I was alone. During this time, my mother had begun studying Wicca. She didn’t call it that. She spoke of it as the “Old Religion.” We saw movies about how “witches” were tortured and killed. What these people actually were , were healers. They used the earths abundance of herbs to treat various illnesses. My sisters and I began doing seances as well. I was comfortable and at peace in this spiritual part of my life.
Anyway, after Opa had died, I felt alone. The one person I felt truly cared about me and made me feel special was gone (he had stopped molesting me by this time). One night I was missing him terribly. I had just been raped (I didn’t call it that at the time) by my father. I remember going upstairs to the attic and trying to invoke Opa’s spirit back to me. I knew in my heart that if anyone would come back to help me, to give me hope, it would be him. Nothing happened. No matter how much I tried to invoke his spirit, he did not return. I was alone. It was that night I stopped believing in another world outside this one. I no longer believed in a God of the universe.
Deep within me though, I knew I was a spiritual being inhabiting a human body. I had this type of what we call today, a sixth sense that I was a part of something outside myself, the same feeling I had back when I was little. But back then I was again following the church teachings of God being “Up there” in heaven. Today I am once again following that voice within. Deep within us, I believe, is a soul that wants to be heard. Wants me to hear it and live by it. I call it my inner spirit. This spirit within each of us is connected to the great God of this universe. I have also come believe that this magnificent force that created this universe, gave life to all living things on our planet earth. From the trees to the human beings. We are all connected to this awesome Creator and to each other . This Creator is so loving that it allows us to define it in anyway that makes us feel apart of it. It allows us to call it by whatever name or belief we come to that gives us hope, courage and direction in our lives.
It has taken a long time for me to come to peace with my faith. I am still growing in it and allowing this Guardian of Life to continually show me how loved and cared for I am. How can I not be loved by something that has created and given me life? What I do with this life is up to me. I can continue to spend time alone and listen for the Guardian’s voice, Its direction. Or I can continue trying to control my life and all that is going on around me. Which, by the way, I have learned is false truth. I actually have no control over those around me. The only control I have is how I react to those around me and the situations that come into my life.
When I make a conscious effort to be apart of this Creative force I notice something really cool. I begin writing more. I begin to hear things that give me a topic to write about. I am stopped in my tracks by a sentence in something I am reading that gives me a point of direction I could not have come up with on my own. I no longer feel alone in this troubling world. I know deep within my spirit that no matter how terrible my life may appear at times, I can go within and ask my “God” for help, courage and strength to get past it. And when I do I get surrounded by people who love me. And again, I know I am not alone.
So, is there a God? Do any of us really know? It doesn’t matter to me what this Guardian force is called. What matters to me is that I choose to believe it exists and that I am apart of it, it radiates within me. What harm is there in believing in a Higher Power of some kind? The only problem I see is when we use this Being to harm those who do not have the same belief as we do. Who use this force to kill innocent people. I do not believe our Creator had this in mind when we began to evolve.
Today I choose to do my utmost best to live as i believe the Spirit within wants me to. I can either listen for its direction, through people, books, movies, you name it , The Guardian of us all will use it to get our attention. And sometimes, the Spirit will speak to me through a sudden, unexpected thought or idea. Usually at the most inconvenient time as well. So there is the sense of humor coming out.
I am at peace for the first time since childhood. Before the ugliness of the physical world showed me evil. When I was still a naive, innocent child with a child’s untainted faith in a spirit being who loves her. I follow my own belief and truth now. And i know that this belief and truth can and will change as I grow and change. It is important however, to know that it is Always with me no matter what name I give it. It is never changing. It never leaves me as long as I am breathing. For it is this Powerful Force that is connected to the spirit within me. And when it calls me back to it I will cease living as a human being; but I will continue living as a living Spirit. Soul. And it is up to this Guardian Force, whatever it is as to whether or not I am brought back as another physical being or if I remain within itself.
So I realize this was a long post. But it was something I could not hold inside myself. I had to share it. It is such a big part of me and I am so excited that I have recovered my Spirit within! I am excited to see how I am directed in my life and what it is I will do with whatever time I have left in this body. I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself, whom I left a long long time ago, has slowly restored me sanity, by doing so, has guided me on a path where I have recovered the spirit within. I smile as I finish this piece. I hope it resonates with others who are on the same spiritual journey.