I don’t want to be married Anymore!

Is it wrong to not want to be married anymore after 20 years? Am I a bad person if I get irritated that my husband, a good man, bugs the hell out of me? I just get tired of him being around all the time. I get up, he is there; I come home from work, he is there; when I go to bed, he is definitely there. I just want days where I have the house to myself. To be able to have friends drop by anytime they please without having to plan it around his schedule, or give him a heads up so he can plan an evening in his bedroom. Is it so terrible to want my own place? Am I alone in these desires?

I love my husband. He is a good person deep down. But truth be told, he is a bother these days. He is like a house leech attached to his chair or computer. His presence can be felt like a ghost, you sense it, but it is invisible. This wonderful man is not one  to sit down and have a good conversation with. Unless that is, you want his opinion on everything you bring up. Being perfectly content with his computer or books, it can feel lonely at times. Not important or special. We have become those old married couples who some days, just tolerates one another.

I am not getting any younger and feel I am missing out on having a fun, fulfilling life. Or perhaps I am using him for an excuse not to live life in a manner that brings joy and excitement into my life. I am standing around watching friends and others experience new adventures and card night. If I were to start living outside my relationship with this spouse of mine, it only brings about a sense of guilt for having fun while he stays home. It doesn’t occur to me that perhaps that is what makes him content and happy. The poor man, he doesn’t understand what would make his life more pleasant. If only he would listen to my advice.

We are so different, he and I. I love to be around friends and yes, strangers if they are interesting. My husband  is content being with himself alone. I don’t think he was looking for a wife when we got married. He was looking for a companion. Someone to be there when it was convenient or he had a need.

In all fairness I must admit he has his good qualities. He must or we wouldn’t still be together, would we? Oh dear, another question. If I were to wake up one day and decide this was not what I wanted anymore, would I have the courage to get out? Would it be right? Or is this all a part of going through menopause, or perhaps a midlife crisis, although I am more a senior now. But we will discuss that in my next post.

So then, my goal for this coming weekend will be to ask myself and meditate on how I can find my own space in this double wide trailer. Where and how do I set a room that can work as my sanctuary. My own personal space. I will get back to you next week on what I have accomplished. Do not be alarmed if one morning I simply changed the locks when he went out for a bit. Hey don’t judge, its the easier simpler way. It would keep us from having a break up over a huge fight. Oh don’t fret, it is just a fantasy, I wouldn’t really do it. Would I?

 

Recovering The Spirit Within

I wasn’t raised in the church, I did, however,  go through the whole Catholic rituals as a child, but we stopped going after I made my first Communion. I missed it terribly for some time. It was while I was going to Catechism that I first remember believing in a loving God. I would look outside my bedroom window after my dad was done beating my mom and it was all quiet again. I would stare at the stars and smile, because deep down I knew there was a God of sorts who did love me, even if I didn’t understand who God was I knew I was somehow apart of him. I believed God loved me and I wanted to go be with him in heaven.

As the years went on and the abuse and violence in our home continued to get worse I lost sight of God. I no longer believed nor took time to think about him. My life was a mess in all areas. My great granddad came to live with us when I was 11 years old and molested me at the age of 12. However, I loved him. He showed me that he too, despite what he had done, loved me. He was always so happy and relieved when I came home from running away. Even after he had stopped the molestation, he continued to show love for me. I loved him so very much. I remember to this day, the night he died. I had gone in to check on him. He was not responding, he was just laying  there with glazed over eyes. I called my mother at work, she said to leave him alone and let him sleep. The next day when I came  as I was waking towards my house after school, I saw the “car” leaving our driveway. I knew in my heart Opa had died. I was alone. During this time, my mother had begun studying Wicca. She didn’t call it that. She spoke of it as the “Old Religion.” We saw movies about how “witches” were tortured and killed. What these people actually were , were healers. They  used the earths abundance of herbs to treat various illnesses. My sisters and I began doing seances as well. I was comfortable and at peace in this spiritual part of my life.

Anyway, after Opa had died, I felt alone. The one person I felt truly cared about me and made me feel special was gone (he had stopped molesting me by this time). One night I was missing him terribly. I had just been raped (I didn’t call it that at the time) by my father. I remember going upstairs to the attic and trying to invoke Opa’s spirit back to me. I knew in my heart that if anyone would come back to help me, to give me hope, it would be him. Nothing happened. No matter how much I tried to invoke his spirit, he did not return. I was alone. It was that night I stopped believing in another world outside this one. I no longer believed in a God of the universe.

Deep within me though, I knew I was a spiritual being inhabiting a human body. I had this type of what we call today, a sixth sense that I was a part of something outside myself, the same feeling I had back when  I was little. But back then I was again following the church teachings of God being “Up there” in heaven. Today I am once again following that voice within. Deep within us, I believe, is a soul that wants to be heard. Wants me to hear it and live by it. I call it my inner spirit. This spirit within each of us is connected to the great God of this universe. I have also come believe that this magnificent force that created this universe, gave life to all living things on our planet earth. From the trees to the human beings. We are all connected to this awesome Creator and to each other . This Creator is so loving that it allows us to define it in anyway that makes us feel apart of it. It allows us to call it by whatever name or belief we come to that gives us hope, courage and direction in our lives.

It has taken a long time for me to come to peace with my faith. I am still growing in it and allowing this Guardian of Life to continually show me how loved and cared for I am. How can I not be loved by something that has created and given me life? What I do with this life is up to me. I can continue to spend time alone and listen for the Guardian’s voice,  Its direction. Or I can continue trying to control my life and all that is going on around me. Which, by the way, I have learned is false truth. I actually have no control over those around me. The only control I have is how I react to those around me and the situations that come into my life.

When I make a conscious effort to be apart of this Creative force I notice something really cool. I begin writing more. I begin to hear things that give me a topic to write about. I am stopped in my tracks by a sentence in something I am reading that gives me a point of direction I could not have come up with on my own. I no longer feel alone in this troubling  world. I know deep within my spirit that no matter how terrible my life may appear at times, I can go within and ask my “God” for help, courage and strength to get past it. And when I do I get surrounded by people who love me. And again, I know I am not alone.

So, is there a God? Do any of  us really know? It doesn’t matter to me what this Guardian force is called. What matters to me is that I choose to believe it exists and that I am apart of it, it radiates within me. What harm is there in believing in a Higher Power of some kind? The only problem I see is when we use this Being to harm those who do not have the same belief as we do. Who use this force to kill innocent people. I do not believe our Creator had this in mind when we began to evolve.

Today I choose to do my utmost best to live as i believe the Spirit within wants me to. I can either listen for its direction, through people, books, movies, you name it , The Guardian of us all will use it to get our attention. And sometimes, the Spirit will speak to me through a sudden, unexpected thought or idea. Usually at the most inconvenient time as well. So there is the sense of humor coming out.

I am at peace for the first time since childhood. Before the ugliness of the physical world showed me evil. When I was still a naive, innocent child with a child’s untainted faith in a spirit being who loves her. I follow my own belief and truth now. And i know that this belief and truth can and will change as I grow and change. It is important however, to know that it is Always with me no matter what name I give it. It is never changing. It never leaves me as long as I am breathing. For it is this Powerful Force that is connected to the spirit within me. And when it calls me back to it I will cease living as a human being; but I will continue living as a living Spirit. Soul. And it is up to this Guardian Force, whatever it is as to whether or not I am brought back as another physical being or if I remain within itself.

So I realize this was a long post. But it was something I could not hold inside myself. I had to share it. It is such a big part of me and I am so excited that I have recovered my Spirit within! I am excited to see how I am directed in my life and what it is I will do with whatever time I have left in this body. I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself, whom I left a long long time ago, has slowly  restored me  sanity, by doing so, has guided me on a path where I have recovered the spirit within. I smile as I finish this piece. I hope it resonates with others who are on the same spiritual journey.

Jesus vs the Joel Osteen’s of the World

So, I just saw a photo of Joel Osteen in his million dollar private jet that he does not have to pay taxes on, while the people paying him all this money for tickets do have to pay taxes. Yes, they can deduct what they give to the church. But is this really what Jesus was about? Where in the Gospels or anywhere else does it talk about his followers being rich? All I’ve read about Jesus and his followers is how much they suffered for believing in him. They were hungry and did not have a lot of things. Yet, today those who teach “The word of God” are in large mansions, flying in million dollar jets; fancy clothes, rich jewelry. And they say they are blessed by God. Well I am not a fan. Whatever I have read about Jesus, was about him being AMONG the sick, poor and sinners. He didn’t preach from a fancy podiums, nor rich, fancy churches He spoke to the people where they lived. No fancy sermons. He simply prayed for Gods help and just spoke about his father from his heart. When you speak from you heart, only truth can come. Is it wrong for preachers to be comfortable or rich? Perhaps not. After all, can they help it if people are ignorant enough to pay to hear them preach or read their books? I simply have a problem watching these rich fancy speakers telling their followers what they want to hear; or what they need to do to be “saved.” living so richly that they forget who needs to know about the love of God. The street people, the terminally ill, the elderly, you get my point. These are the people Jesus would walk among. And! This amazing spiritual teacher NEVER promised his listeners they would be blessed with riches. No, he spoke only of God and his love for the poor and the sinners. If they followed him they would have strength. It would come, I believe, through their faith in God’s love for them. Not from receiving “rewards” as a good follower. So why are folks drawn to these speakers of God? I watched Joyce Meyers for a bit. Wanted to see her, listen to her. Then I went to one of her speaking engagements here in Denver CO. You know what I experienced? A well rehearsed show. And that is what these people, I believe, are all about. Showmanship. Give a good show, tell the people what they want to hear and bang, the money comes flowing in and you are rich. Oh I am sorry, you are blessed. While these speakers, (notice I don’t call them preachers) are in safe places wearing rich clothes, the poor are not hearing them, they are in the streets where there is no television or radio. But that’s ok. They are not who you are trying to reach are they? No, you are trying to reach out to those who have the money to pay for a ticket to hear you. Am I judging? Damn straight. Because I hear your words, you use bible verses to suit your cause and leave the most important lessons behind. Where was Jesus? In the streets, in the homes of sinners, dirty people, poor people. Jesus wasn’t sharing God’s truth for money or comfort, but because it was his real truth. He said the kingdom of God is within you. Nor up in heaven. Within you. I feel this is a spiritual message, not a religious dogma. And I cannot believe for one minute that he would be happy watching people like Joel Osteen or Joyce Meyers and other rich evangelical getting rich off fancy words this wonderful teacher, Jesus, never intended to be used in this manner. If I were a believer, I certainly would love to see the risen Christ come back right now and take on the Joel Osteen’s of the world. Get rid of that damn jet and put some people back in homes they have lost; food in the mouths of orphans you preach so much about saving. Do you really need all that you have? Really? I can’t help but wonder if Jesus would be proud of your ability to reach out to so many lost people through your workers; or would he be disappointed that you didn’t use your means to reach out to those who truly need to “see” the love of God through example and giving. I get nauseas anytime I see people like Joel or Bennie. I see ego. Plain and simple. They have made themselves out to be Gods themselves to these followers. The attention is on them, not Jesus. A true spiritual person who truly follows the teachings of this spiritual teacher, Jesus, is out in the dredges of the slums and sick showing God’s love. Mother Theresa is a great example of this. So to all you rich evangelicals, I say, “shame on you!” Why aren’t you in the streets with the poor, dirty, sick human beings, working alongside them, risking your own life and health instead of fancy mansions and jets? But this is all just my opinion. I guess I feel strongly today about this because it is such an important holiday to these “followers “.

Get out and vote! Why Bother?

So Bernie Sanders has won several caucuses over Hilary Clinton. What are the people telling the Government? They want Sanders. But he won’t win. Why? Because the two parties are the only parties allowed to run in the end. Even though we the people show who we want, our votes won’t count. Not when it comes to the primary votes. It is rigged in such a way that only a Democrat or Republican will be in the final running. So why do we vote?  The Independent voters and independent Presidential candidates don’t count.

What are the two parties afraid of? Especially the Republican party? I believe they are afraid they will not be able to tell an Independent President how to run the country. The rich corporations and insurance companies won’t have a hold on the Independent President. An independent, I believe, would truly be for the U. S. and its citizens than any President we have had in many years.

We need someone strong enough to stand up to  these big corporations and insurance companies. A whole new Senate committee who are for the people., not for the money they will get for doing what these mongrels want.

People want change. But we won’t get it. Not as long as we hold onto the two parties.We need to take power back away from the super delegates as well. Don’t give them the final decision over who can run in the final campaign. Let ALL citizen votes count throughout the whole campaign. Take away the parties; let all citizen;’s votes  count. If we are not doing this, then why do we have a voting system where only a republican or democrat  can run in the final running. We want change. What doesn’t the government get? We want our jobs brought back to America, what don’t these corporations get? We are paying thousands of dollars for insurance only to have to pay even more out of pocket before the insurance companies will pay. What don’t they get? They are killing their own people. Greed has become the norm, the power that runs our country. Citizens don’t matter. And that is what is causing people to be discouraged about voting and about their government.

Why would we want to support our a government refuses to protect us from these rich power’s? Why would we want to serve our government when it won’t even protect or take care of those who are badly mutilated serving it?  These young men and women are giving up their lives for this country and they still have to pay for all their uniforms! Yet we put clothes on the backs of  those who come over here illegally and learn quickly how to manipulate the system. Sorry folks, Trump has it right when it comes to our government being stupid by allowing all these people from other countries to just come over without question.

I may not be familiar on how the government works; I may not understand the system of allowing people from other countries to just come over here and get aide to start over;and  build  their own businesses, even though we cannot own land or business in their country! I do know this does not make sense. That it is nor in the best interest of the American people. Is it no wonder our youth are joining these enemy groups who are against our country?

No, I honestly don’t believe my vote will count in the end. Yet republicans are loud about those of us who don’t want to vote. I too believe if you don’t vote, you have no place to complain. I will vote. But it will not be for either party. I will throw my vote away to an independent, a no body, before I vote for either republican or democratic party.

Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides

Well I am back. Never really went anywhere, not in my head anyway. But been struggling with trying not to compare myself with others these past months. It is truly disheartening to see young women filled with such self confidence and intelligence with technology, not to mention careers and what they want from life. Each year I go through this process as my birthday comes closer. I look back and realize I am the same person I was last year. Same job, same husband, (I guess that parts good), same home, same insecurities blah blah blah. And it makes me wonder. What am I doing so wrong?

However, this year I can look back and see how I have grown, and how I have begun to change into the woman I hope to become. Instead of looking at women I wish I were like, I have started acting like it! What a concept huh? Also, I look at my job that is going no where and began using it as a practice job for the position I will be in one day. (Did you notice the positive affirmation I just did?). For instance I find myself minding my own business more and staying out of gossip, or keeping from starting it. I firmly but respectfully stand up to those who feel they are superior. And most important I have surrounded myself with women who encourage and love me just as I am, and are also there to encourage where I could change for better. It doesn’t matter how old you are, inside we are all those insecure little boys and girls at times. We just see others outsides and assume it is their insides as well.

I had read other blogs and looked at them and suddenly felt so insecure and inferior. They were all so professional and set up so nicely! Pictures even! I don’t’ have the luxury of a teen or fellow blogger to help me work out the kinks nearby. But a woman told me and a friend what a great writer I was and how I needed to get back at it. So here I am, insecure and fearful. But I am here. My goal last year if I remember right, was not allowing fear to rule my life any longer. And of course as soon as I realized people were reading my blog and although they loved it, it filled me with fear of continuing to write what they would like or not like. I need to remind myself I am writing for myself and because I love it. Actually I love writing and rewriting. The editing is so much fun.

My husband is talking about retiring in a few years. If you don’t think that sent chills up my spine! When did he have the right to get so old? And why is he aging and getting grumpier so much faster than I am? Then reality sinks in and I realize, I am aging right alongside him. Everyday as I do my data entry position I notice how old my hands are looking. When I am crocheting or knitting, I again notice the stiffness that wasn’t there a week ago. My hair is changing color faster and it isn’t coming out of a bottle! I just keep seeing all these new changes happening to my body at an alarming rate of speed and my immature young mentality is not catching up! And yes, there are days when I am terrified.

My husband left for a week long trip yesterday and for a week prior I was having anxiety attacks. All the old “what ifs” came storming into my head. What if he doesn’t make it back? What if he has a stroke or heart attack so far from home? What if, what if. What if I just shut my thoughts off and move on!! First I can’t wait to get rid of the grump for a few days, then I am worrying about losing him. Wish my mind could make itself up already. I do love the guy, but lets face it, I don’t always like him. Some days I want to just smack him a long side his head and scream “Shape up already!”.

So today I enjoyed my regular Saturday brunch lunch with a woman I met and it was so much fun. In the back of my mind though, I caught myself thinking how strange that I didn’t have to think about my spouse and what he was doing while I was sitting here eating with a friend. Of course that means I was still thinking about him! I just can’t win. Lets face it, if my thoughts are focused on him and what he is doing, I don’t have to look at what I am doing. That is a great way to avoid looking at what needs to be changed in me. but it is also a way to miss out on the joy of the moment. That isn’t something I want to continue doing any longer. I am ready to face the truth of life and change what I can and find a way to live with what I can’t. Thank goodness I have a Power greater than myself that guides me and fills me with peace and encouragement whenever I think of her or go to her for comfort.

Writing is so therapeutic. I can never understand why some find it so difficult. It is fun, hard work, but the joy is finding out that the more transparent I become, the less alone I feel in these life situations. My journaling is never meant to hurt anyone and this has stopped me from always being completely open about what is going on or speaking up when the moment is right. but how can this be helpful to you, the reader and to myself? My philosophy of late has been, “No more hiding who I am.” No more secrets. Yes, this can and will set me up to be ridiculed and judged. Maybe I will lose a few friends or family member relationships. I hope it wouldn’t, but that’s not realistic. As a writer of truth we have to be willing to risk losing a few relationships when we share intimate things about ourselves.

This is the next best thing to being “Dear Abby” as I can think of . I always thought it would be so much fun to have people ask me for advise and give it like she did. So instead, I will end this year of my life writing more stories about myself, my life before and now, daily events that are funny or frustrating, and hope to hear others are reading these events and feelings and identifying with me. More importantly, they will gain hope and encouragement that they are not alone or crazy in their thoughts. Or maybe we are and its that is ok too, just so long as we are not harming ourselves or others in the process. I am sadly guilty of both. But am so grateful I can say that in past tense. Not that I don’t continue to hurt others unknowingly. but there was a time I did it intentionally out of anger or ego.

Well, this is a short and very simple post, but I knew if I didn’t put something on here I may never get back at it. So back to the disciplining. Writing every day, and even if I don’t hit the “post” button the first writing, at least I will have written something that day. Life is changing quickly for me emotionally, physically and spiritually. The best time to write don’t you think?

Let it begin with Me

I am beginning a new life experience. I am excited to once again share who I was, where I’ve been emotionally and spiritually, and where my Mother God has lead me to. Once again the excitement to write is back. A friend’ just earlier this evening inspired me to get back on this blog and write. She said I had something other people could relate to and needed to know they were not alone. And that is exactly why I started this blog. I want all of you to know those of us in our senior years are not alone and less important the younger people. Writing about my life, my experiences  not only help me to feel good about reaching out to others, but it also frees me from the shame, fears and sense of no longer being important in this age where only the young matter. I look forward to the day I begin to hear back from readers and their input and experiences as well, and how they over came insecurities and fears. I don’t know who you, the reader is, and  yet I feel we know each other by our common thoughts and experiences. Lets face it. Life looks uncertain for us baby boomers. The future does not look bright and secure if you don’t have a large bank account, a rich relative to leave you their house or money. But we can at least know we are not alone. That if it came to be; we will at least have one another to share our cardboard boxes on the streets.

Seriously though, where do I begin? For now all I can do is “throw up” my thoughts onto this paper and see where the words go. Trust my Mother Spirit to put the right words into the right sentence. Later I can go back and clean up the mess and move words around so they make sense and are coherent   at she directs me.

Someone asked me what type of  audience was I trying to reach? Well, being as this is my journal, it will no doubt resonate more with the older generation. How many 20 year old young ladies for instance stare in the mirror and notice more wrinkles or gray hairs that were not there the day before. I remember so clearly when this began to happen to me. I was upstairs in the bathroom brushing my teeth and when I raised up my head I noticed my eyes were more droopy than usual. My eyelids were not going back up. So I rinsed my face and thought they would be back to normal as the day went on. But to my astonishment, (horror is more like it),  I noticed later that day the droopy eye lids were still droopy! They had not risen back up. I literally screamed to my husband who was watching t.v. downstairs, “Oh my God, Steve, my eyes have fallen and they aren’t going back up!” At that moment I knew I was no longer the young lady with the big pretty brown eyes. Now I had wished I had my glasses back to hide behind.

Slowly over the past two years I notice that changes to my physical body are developing on a rapid pace, almost daily. I still look good for 58, people are surprised when I tell them how old I am, (God please don’t let this be kindness). It still remains a sad fact though; my body is aging. So what am I going to do? Sit down and feel sorry for myself? Continue to waste more years sitting around watching more of my life go on without my participation?  Being bombarded with ads about looking younger doesn’t help my self esteem much.  I blame the media. Their subtle brain washing through ads and commercials. Have you notice how commercials for perfume, clothes, cars and jewelry all have slim beautiful women in them? And of course they have to look sexy as well. Why in the world do you have to be sexy to eat a fat, messy cheeseburger?  I mean really, the girl dong the ad probably runs to the bathroom to throw it all up. We all know we aren’t going to stay slim eating a fast food cheeseburger, and we certainly aren’t going to look sexy with the sauce running down our chins.  I don’t know about you, but when I go out to eat, I want to enjoy my food without worrying about how I look. Commercials are telling our young population that plain over weight women don’t have the right to drive a fancy car or buy nice jewelry. No, commercials for us are the Windex commercials, the detergent commercials and of course the family commercials for frozen dinners. They are not fancy restaurants and wine. They don’t even use older women to advertise certain moisturizers, special skin soap or lotions, no they use a young lady who does’t look a day over 20 to sell face cream to make you longer! How young does she want to look, 15? We get the depend commercials, the under pads that look like underwear. Viagra.

Maybe I am just jealous. I don’t like that my hands are winkled and fingers are getting arthritic, or that I grunt when I get up from a sitting or leaning down position. But that is my reality. Each time I notice something else, like growing a mustache and having to plunk these darn hairs that come out of nowhere; and of course I don’t find them until they are a foot long. Then my poor husband gets screamed at for letting me go out in public with a hair sticking out like a wart.

It is scary to know I am getting older. That it takes more effort to do the physical activities I once enjoyed without paying for it later in pain. Its not easy to be in my fifties and still not have accomplished anything worth bragging about. Instead, I am just finally learning what it is to be a healthy, respectful woman. It is still hard to stand up for myself with authoritative people, or strong personalities. The insecure little girl comes rushing back to remind me I am not suppose to talk back, I am not worthy of their respect.

However, lately I am being blessed more and more with things that really matter. Friendships. Relationships based on healthy respect for one another. Laughing at each other’s mistakes or silly thoughts. I now have women who encourage, not put down. Friends who treat me as their equal, and respect my opinions. The greatest thing about these new friendships is that they accept it when I continuously get lost trying to find the restaurant we are meeting at; or that I have no idea that some things are best left alone. They laugh “with” me; not “at” me. For the first time in my life I am not just knowing others love me; but feeling it, believing it is genuine, and that means I am really  lovable, and not because I did something for them. How cool is that. You know something else? I realized that by my insecurities, weird thinking turn out to be what attracts others. My sometimes strange antics  are the very things others find me fun and enjoyable to be around.

On the other spectrum, I have come to realize sadly, that when I back away or disappear out of fear or embarrassment, They actually miss me and are hurt that I no longer visit with them in a group we are in together. I honestly believed no one cared if I didn’t show up. That I wouldn’t be missed or my absence would be noticed. By meeting regularly with these new friends, I am learning through them what a healthy relationship looks like. And that healthy relationships are fun, trustworthy and honest. I do not have to agree with everything my friends or people I respect do. This is called unconditional love. What a concept. It isn’t necessary to get angry in order to get a response I want; or to pout when others treat me disrespectfully. Actually I can be quite childish when I feel hurt or unimportant. I sulk and behave like a 14 year old. And look stupid in the process. But again, these friends in my life don’t judge me; don’t run away or scold me for being an idiot. Instead they laugh because they too have reacted in situations in the same manner.

I guess we are always evolving; growing, changing. And isn’t that great? Because as we change and learn from our mistakes and wrong behavior, we become better people; we get to look in the mirror and smile because today we are a better person than we were yesterday. Each day these past few months Mother Spirit within has continually shown me and whispered to me what I need to do; and that is, to always do the right thing no matter how difficult or humbling it may be. To mend a relationship with someone I have to work with, or got into a heated disagreement with, it can even be something I just don’t want to deal with out of fear of how the other person might react. Again I am reminded what the important part of change and maturity is, and that is to “Let it begin with Me”. Not wait until the other person apologizes or changes to my satisfaction. No, what is right is to always do the next right thing. And to remember, It is not always about me. Boy oh boy, growing up in later life is a difficult thing. And embarrassing as well when I keep it to myself. When I share stupid or wrongful behavior I did with a trusted friend, I am told I am not alone in these reactions. I am able to laugh at my mistakes or embarrassing reactions. However that does not take away my responsibility to do the next right thing. I still have to make the amends for the harm or hurtful feeling I may have caused. Again, its living with the reminder; “Let it begin with me.”

God of My Own Understanding

There was a time, a very long time ago when I thought I had faith in God. I would talk to him at night during the day. I even started going to church and believing whatever they told me about who God was and what I needed to do to be “saved”. These people had such faith, how could they be wrong? In the church I belonged to, 90% had good lives. Big gorgeous houses; beautiful clothes. No worries in the world. At least that is what I assumed. I remember always feeling like the kid in the Charlie Brown cartoon, Pig pen, when I walked into the building and sat down. It took time for the women to talk to me and find that I was not interested in their husbands. And yes, unfortunately I was wrong. These women turned out to be a blessing in my life. They warned me that my new found faith would blow up in my face one day. That because I strongly believed in God’s love for me and that he would never let anything more bad happen to me, that when something bad came into my life my faith would disappear.  How could they say such a thing? How could they preach faith one day and turn around the next and tell you your faith would be tested one day. I just didn’t believe it.

Well, they were right. One day my husband at the time told me he wanted a divorce. He only married me because that was what he should do at his age; get married. I remember a fog slowly form around me. I was safe in this fog. I did not have to feel. I didn’t have to talk to anyone. And I certainly didn’t want to talk to God. Once again I was made to feel like a fool by my faith in a God I thought I believed in. Then it struck me, I was believing in the church’s concept of God. A God of judgement, testing those who he loved; testing our love and loyalty. What kind of God would create us kmnwing one day we would destroy the beautiful life on this planet? No, the more I heard at church, the less I believed in a God of THEIR understanding. I knew it was time to find a God of MY understanding. I needed the God I had in early sobriety. The God I did not need to understand or know; just had to believe he was there and heard everything I said. And every so often this God would show Itself through a “coincident”. I once heard, Coincident’s are God’s way of staying anonymous. Now, once again I believe in a Power Greater than Myself. One that I do not need to understand or put in a box. A God of all Life and creation. We are all part of this Universe, connected through this Higher Being.

If you really think about it; it is pretty arrogant to believe we could understand a God who is powerful enough to Create such a Universe. Where everything is made perfect. But we humans have become our own god. Creating and manufacturing machines and pesticides for things creation was doing all by itself. Did you know that bats eat insects? Yes, they come out at night and the pesty insects we hate. But I guess they don’t it well enough to suit us so we created pesticides. A chemical that not only kills insects, but is toxic to us as well. Is this not crazy? If you believe God is the creator of all that exists, why do you litter? Why do you seek to destroy His creation? No, sorry, don’t buy it.

The God of my understanding doesn’t expect or need anything from me. However I need all from God. Strength for when life is difficult, Courage for when I am afraid or have lost someone important, or a job; I need my God for inner peace when I am in turmoil and my emotions are all over the place. The God of my understanding has no beginning or end and all of us, all that has life in it, are apart of the Higher Being because we are apart of the Universe. We were born into a world filled with greed, envy, anger, murder. But we don’t have to let these things consume our every waking moment. At least that is what I have to keep telling myself. You see, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, my life is filled with worry and fear. And that is why every day I start with a simple prayer I learned about serenity, courage and wisdom. I have to accept I am powerless over people and what they do or how they choose to live; not to mention what they think about me. When I can accept I am powerless over others and situations, that trying to control what happens, my life becomes unmanageable. I am working on “Letting Go, and Letting God.” It is not easy for me to trust in Power I believe in, yet don’t necessarily believe it cares about someone as insignificant as me. Trust, it is a big word for but I am watching my life unfold in a different way and watching out for small miracles and “coincidences”. For those times where I am afraid, and suddenly I walk through the fear believing this Power is with me giving me courage. And after I have walked through the fear, (or drove through it in a winter storm), it fills me with more faith and a sense that maybe, just maybe I am not who I believe I am. Perhaps I am stronger and better, but it is hidden deep down by mistrust of the Power’s love for me.

Each day I grow closer and closer to believing in a God of MY understanding. A God that is too big for me to define. As I continue on this journey, as I talk more regularly to this Power greater than myself, I believe I will gain back that strong faith I once had before I allowed humans with good intentions tell me who this God is. We are all a family in this universe and as my husband puts so well; This Power greater than all of us, is gentle enough to give each of us an understanding we can turn and trust in God. We will all have our different beliefs and that is OK. It is OK to believe differently, but it is also important that we do not force our personal faiths on others. That we do not judge our fellow brother and sisters in this Power of life. That is playing God. Our purpose while here on this planet, is to help, love and give hope to one another, at least that is what I believe.

So, I will leave it at that. I have an understanding of who God is in my life today, and I believe it will always be changing, and yet staying the same. I love being on the spiritual journey.