The Woman of Dreams

If I were to share my story, would it help someone? Would it help me? I have heard it is quite freeing to no longer keep secrets. I may even have mentioned it in another post. I don’t want to keep writing about sad things. Life keeps getting shorter and shorter as the big 60 looms over me. What have I accomplished in these 60 years? This isn’t where I thought I would be when I got here. In a trailer with a husband I dearly love, but as of late, do not like. He is not meeting my emotional or physical needs. You know, listening to my every word as if they were the most amazing ideas he has ever heard. That my opinions matter because I am right and can help him grow into the man I want him to be, and of course I am sure he would want to be, but doesn’t know it because he hasn’t tried out my suggestions. He just doesn’t get it. When I speak of  the physical needs he isn’t meeting,  I’m not speaking of sex. Its been a while since I have enjoyed that kind of intimacy and frankly at this point in my life, with menopause and all its glory, do not miss it. Lets be honest, at our age having your husband run around naked does not stir up any sexual desires.  No, I am talking about the hugs I received when we were dating because I was so important. So I thought. Now I realize it was about him. His sense of pride that he had a girlfriend who loved him. OK, maybe it was about me, a little bit. Of late I have to give him a threat now for him to realize how wonderful a wife I am.

As I write these words I am filled with a sadness I have felt before and swore I would never again put myself in this situation. Lonely for companionship, intelectual conversation and stimulation. A sense of being greatly cherished. Someone who another person felt I was more important to him than his own life. I desire this so badly and the fear of never experiencing it frightens me. So what can I do about it? Change him? Threaten him I will leave if he doesn’t change? Yeah right, and where would either of us go. We are enmeshed, in a dysfunctional way. And as I have written in other posts, he has wonderful, loving ways about him, but these qualities are hidden in the computer games he is playing, his job, and now his new motorcycle.

Things just happen for the guy. What about me? When will things happen for me? When will I blossom into the eccentric, crazy woman I long to be? You know the type, loud colorful clothing and hats that almost make people think, “why did she stop taking her medication?  “poor thing probably  lost her insurance and can’t afford them anymore.” Back to this relationship. Is it really his responsibility to make me happy? To fill all my emotional and spiritual needs? Yes. Well ok, no. But its fun blaming him for a while. Taking my anger out on him, sometimes he actually deserves it. But I learned a long time ago, its not about him. Its about me. I’m the one who is unhappy. I am the one feeling unfulfilled in life. It is up to me to find out what brings me joy and happiness and then go take a risk and grab on to it.

So to do this I have to take a leap of faith. That’s very scary. With my luck I would take a leap of faith and land in the hell I don’t believe in. No, better to just trust my gut instinct and go for it. What’s the worse that can happen? Aside from being laughed at or ridiculed. Wouldn’t it be worth it if it would bring me freedom to feel and be the woman within who is screaming “Please set me free.” I put these questions out into the universe and suddenly am meeting or have gotten to know better women who have come into my life and encouraged me to be more of who I want to be. Who gets me excited each day that I can dress the way that brings me that sense of , “Free, Free, I am free at last.”

OK, no more whining or talking about it. I am going to go shopping next senior day at the store and pick up some colorful clothing that I can put together and wear. Let those who judge or look at me funny be damned. Its my turn to be and do as I feel fit. I will just have to put it out into the universe and grab on tight. Who knows, maybe I will find myself on a plane with a one way ticket to who knows where.

So I hope this post helped in some way to inform you that there are more of us “eccentric” women out there than is realized. You will know us by the way we dress. We will not conform to the rules “someone out there” says this is how you will dress or act if you want to be a part of society. Why on earth would I want to belong to our society? What has it gotten me so far? A prisoner in my own skin, that’s what.

Well it stops here. I have a tight group of women who are on my side. They have my back sort of speak. Knowing you are not alone and that there are people who love you just as you today,  and who you are becoming, gives you the courage and strength to be that woman.

The laundry is in the washer. All I have to do is go through it all and rid myself of anything that shouts “Boring! Old lady!  Drab!” Beginning this very moment, after my nap of course, I will as for direction and courage to do the next step that will begin my journey into the woman of my dreams.

I invite any woman who is a prisoner in her own skin due to fear of judgement and criticism to take up the sword and join me in this new movement of freedom to grow into who we were meant to be!

Rage. My own personal four-letter word.

Well, its late but I didn’t want to go to bed. Actually its just past 9 pm, so for many its early I suppose. Truth be told, its early for me as well. The last couple weeks I have found myself going to bed right at nine because that is “our” bed time. It suddenly dawned on me, no, that’s “His” bed time. When did I stop doing things at night? I go to bed, we read together, or play on our kindles; he goes off to sleep and I am still awake. Ten o’clock rolls around and I am still lying awake playing silly games being totally unproductive. So I wake up the next morning whining to myself about my uneventful, boring life.

I would love to be able to say its all his fault. Many other wives would probably encourage me to; then they too could blame their unhappiness on their spouses. Unfortunately we know deep down this isn’t true. That old adage, happiness comes from within, is true. I didn’t believe this myself until recently. Believing it however, doesn’t make it any easier to live by. I struggle every day to find something to be happy about within myself. But no matter how hard I try there are just days when the bad Cathie stands up to the good Cathie and shames her into believing this is all she is. If it weren’t for the wonderful women that have been lead into my life the last few years, I would no doubt still fell depressed and self loathing beyond salvation. OK, that was over the top, but had to say it.

Some of it  however, is true . There was a time I was filled with self loathing and lacked any sense of confidence whatsoever. I am so happy that isn’t me today. Today I am a happy, bat shit crazy broad. I have gone from being depressed to angry to raging. And, my dear friends, I will blame on menopause until the day I die or overcome it. That is just how it is.

I don’t like my rages, but somehow I have convinced myself that its a step in the right direction. But! The direction they fly to is not the right direction. Flinging my anger at my husband is not the right thing to do. Didn’t that sound good? Well, I’m lying. The times I get real angry at him feels justified. And if you try to tell me its not, I will send it your way. Do you know that kind of rage? Uncontrollable bat shit crazy rage. Words come shooting out of my mouth I would never think possible. At least not out loud. Then I feel horrible later and my pride won’t let me say, I’m sorry, I was wrong. Because I’m not convinced I am, at least not at the time, OK, not for that day or night. Then I do the stupidest thing possible. I talk to a close friend. Yup, and then I am lead to see that it was not about him or if it was, he still does not deserve that kind of treatment. Let me just say, I don’t think its fair that I look at my actions but he isn’t made to look at his. Where is the fairness in that? There I go again, not being truthful to myself. No one deserves to be disrespected no matter how wrong they are, or how right I am. Having mature logical friends isn’t always what its cracked up to be. I’m warning you right now. If you are happy being miserable and angry at your spouse, do not, I repeat, do not get into good wholesome, healthy friendships. They will ruin your right to be right.

So, my last rage was over the office  not getting cleaned in the time table I was told it would be. Shouldn’t I have been more patient? Given him more time to move out his stuff he hadn’t used in years? No. Why? Because, and those of you who have perfect husbands, won’t understand this, but if I gave him more time, he would take it. And I would risk waiting another 10 years to get my own office. So, to show I was right, I am now typing on my blog in my office. And! It is nicer than I expected. I even painted the wall I face grayish blue, then just wiped the paint brush with yellow and green all over it. Just a mess, and I love it! It screams creative. So when I look up I smile. It affirms that I am a creative woman who is finally feeling content. Today I am OK learning and allowing myself to be who I was born to be. A creative spiritual being. And the greatest part is that I am actually getting to a place where it doesn’t matter if others don’t agree. All that matters is that I continue to surround myself with loving, encouraging, creative women. We were meant to be connected, I believe deep down we are all spiritual in some manner. It is up to us to find out what that means to us. I am still growing and learning what it means to me.

So back to the matter of that four letter word, “rage”. It almost always comes from fear. Fear I will never experience or have what I want, or fear I will lose what I have. And it is always due to one of two things. Lack of self confidence and fear of taking risks. For instance, I don’t want to retire at the job I am at. I am grateful to have this job, however I do not want to retire or die in this  position, or work place. I am not my job, I know this, on most days anyway. I am accepting that it is not conducive to me growing and experiencing who I really am and who I can and want to become. Of course it would help if I knew who I am or what I would like to do. But someone I respect told me once, just go for it. If you see a place you think you would enjoy working at, go inside and ask if they have a position open. Have you ever heard of such a thing. Ironically, this lady has actually done this! What a kick in the behind. I don’t think I have that kind of tenacity or boldness. But then perhaps that is because I don’t have that kind of self-confidence. But it won’t come if I continue to sit around whining about how miserable I am, or yes,  sit around yelling and screaming how its all my husband’s fault. He is stopping me from doing what would make me happy and alive. How can he stop me from doing or being who I want to be if I don’t know who that is myself? Do yo see the insanity here? If not, you have no right to judge me. You are obviously further along in your life and don’t need to be wasting your time reading this blog. Did you just see what I did? I lashed out on someone I can’t even see or even know is out there! I am truly a woman in need of some ideas.

Well, now it is getting close to my bed time so I will close this and re-read it tomorrow. Perhaps I will be able to shed some light on all this. Don’t get too excited though, just because I get a good night sleep, does not at all mean I will be anymore sane or mature. It just means I will be more alert and able to share more of how I do not have a handle on my periods of raging. I can only hope once again, that I am not alone in this journey.

Well, its been a couple days. I have sat quietly alone reflecting on my previous thoughts. I have sat down with a trusted friend and shared how bad my rages were becoming and how I thought it was hormones. Imagine my shock when she stared at me for what felt like an eternity. Finally she said, “Cathie, what are you afraid of?” My jaw dropped. What the hell was going on? How did this become about fear and not hormones? Then it hit me. I have been using hormones as an excuse for months. Deep down I knew she was right. Fear was once again controlling my life. I have been so afraid of what could happen in the future that I was not living in today. Instead of living in the moment and all the good I had, I was living in what “might” happen. I had my husband sick or even dead in a few years, me living out on the street as a bag lady. Again I was trying to control something I neither had control over, or knew would even happen. Why is it so difficult to just take responisiblity for what it is I can do today and then just enjoy and do something creative or fun the rest of the day.

I decided to be courageous and sit down with my husband and go over our finances together. I have avoided this for years. If I don’t know how poor we are, then I can pretend we are fine and go spend money. But if I know what we owe and what we make and the two don’t mesh, well, then I have to face the fears this brings and then let it go. Accept what I cannot change and ask for the courage to do what I can. There is a power much greater than me that will get me through the fears and yes, out of the rage, if only I allow it. I heard this phrase, Let Go and Let God a while back. A good thing to remember and chant whenever I am into fear. But I also need to do it. Not just say it, but do it.

So I will end this post here. Go do something constructive and then play a game with my husband. Yes, I will have to suggest it, dammit. But there is a choice here. I can wait for a miracle, which would be him knowing what I would like to do, then rage later over how little he loves me or cares about me enough to want to play a game. Or, and this is letting go of my pride and wanting to be a victim, I could ask him to play a game. And he will. If he says no, then I will use my four letter word. Or maybe I will call a friend. There’s a thought.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this talk. No one is reading my blog as yet, but I am determined to keep writing until I know what women want to hear about or talk about. I have so many different areas I could discuss. I just don’t know what you would like to  hear. So, if you are reading my blog for the first time. Please, leave a comment sharing with me what would interest you. Til then, I will say “Good day.”

Menopause Does not have to keep us Down!

Ladies, I want to let you know menopause  is no longer a taboo subject. To prove this, I am going to talk about it and encourage you to live life to the fullest no matter your age or changing bodies. You are not alone in this endeavor. There are thousands of women living these terrible unfair changes we have to go through. It doesn’t help one iota when someone says, “be grateful, some don’t have the chance to live long enough to experience these symptoms. To them I feel for these unfortunate women, however, it does not make it any less uncomfortable, nor do I feel “fortunate.” Lets face it, hot flashes, mood swings and dry vagina’s that make it painful to have sex with our husbands is not pleasant. It is not life enhancing. It is during these times that I am convinced that if there is a God, it is definitely male.So how do we empower ourselves. Those who like me feel ignored, unimportant to our society that loathes growing old. For me it entails no longing focusing on my sagging boobs that once stood out straight and proud. Accepting our bodies that have gone from firm tight butts and abdomens to frumpy wrinkled skin. I didn’t know a body could form so many wrinkles and dimples! And why wasn’t I told about thinning hair you know where! It is no wonder some men look for younger women to have sex with. Is it right? Hell no. I would kill my husband and the lady he was with if it happened to me. And why do you want to kill that lady and not your husband anyway!

However, there are still good times ahead. We are not old like some want to believe. This is not the end of the road. Life can still be fun and worthwhile. We only need to take control of how we react to these menopausal years.To continually remind ourselves each morning when we look in the mirror that we are important and have something to give back to society.

So here is how I choose to begin later years. From this day forward I am taking back control  of my life. It is up to us whether or not we fall into the depts. of despair, blaming our husbands for our misery; yes some days they are. But now   I say to every women out there who are going through these times in their lives, it is time to empower ourselves once again. Some of us have never felt empowered, so we will have to find ways to do so. Look within our selves and ask, “what would empowerment mean to me?” What activities would I enjoy getting involved in. Then you go out there, search the web and find where there groups or other women doing these things. Look for those who are living life to the fullest each, no matter their ailments or pain in joints. Stay away from the ladies who sit around feeling sorry for themselves and just seek pity instead of happiness, enjoyment each new day. I, for instance have joined the Red Hat Society and am Queen of our new chapter in my town.

Whoops, once again I divert from the topic at hand. So where was I. Oh yes, menopause and its joys. Well I will not waste another moment feeling and acting like an old prude. I am not old. My mind is active and wants to learn new things and I intend to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Can I Do?

It’s time to use our “Nagging” skills! Ladies! This came to me one night while I was sitting back complaining about how bad it is right now with the White House Administration. It was a wake up call, thinking  about how other women are out there doing something. It doesn’t matter that they may not succeed in getting laws changed, it matters that they are being pro-active, giving all their effort into the fight. These brave women are not taking the easier softer way, or  letting others do the fighting for them. No, they are out there doing walks of protest, calling their Senators etc.. What I am doing is taking on the role of being a victim. It is so much easier to be a victim than to stand up and fight.

Fighting brings confrontation and fear of being wrong. The old tapes from childhood rear their ugly heads to remind me I am not good enough, strong enough or have the intelligence to get involved. But I have been asking myself lately, “is this really who I want to be today?” Ladies, is it who you are? We can change this victimization. It will take guts and endurance. It will be hard, but as a dear friend reminds me; “yes, Cathie my dear, it is hard, but it is “do-able”. So how far am I willing to go, to take responsibility and be pro-active about the changes that are occurring under the new administration?

We as women have come a long way in the past 50 years. And in the last ten we have progressed far in the GLTG population. Is it worth a few uncomfortable, difficult moments to keep the rights and freedoms we have gained as women and minorities? Remember ladies, we are not alone in this fight! There are millions of women and minorities standing up together, fighting to keep our freedom and to gain more roles in our lives and those of our children’s. Do we want the next generation of women to be put back to the “bare foot and pregnant era? Do we want our little girls to believe they are no longer equal in society to men? You may believe this is impossible and won’t happen. Wake up my dears, open your eyes, it is already happening. Our new administration is male dominant, males who feel they are superior to women and perhaps all citizens perhaps.

The new commander in chief is doing as he pleases and at our cost. Our future is no longer secure. As fearful as it may be for those of us who lack confidence and still overcoming past false beliefs about ourselves, we must stand up for ourselves.

Our phone calls may go unheeded, our letters of protest may end up in the garbage pail. However, we can’t let that stop us. This is the time for us to take that reputation of being “nags” to good use. Start nagging your politicians.

I don’t know if this post will make a difference. Not sure I really care. I just needed to get it out and move on. But I will move on standing up, not sitting in a chair whining. Not anymore! I will not give up so easily. I don’t know about you ladies out there, but I have had enough of feeling controlled and out of control. Powerlessness cannot continue to run my life. But it helps to stand up when you know you support from your fellow sisters out there.

What really knocks my socks off is how our new Commander in Chief even wants that position after seeing all the protests around or nations. I would have run with my head between my legs after the first march! Either he is really confident, (arrogant really), or he is truly blind to it all. I am not a political activist, which you no doubt already figured out from this post, but my passion to keep us from being pushed back into the 1800s frightens me. And all I see in our new Administration is strong conservative, arrogant men who have very low opinion of women and are so afraid of the power we have gained in the world.

Oh well, it is time to move on. I am writing out of my comfort zone. On a lighter note, I have some positive actions coming up in my life that I am excited to share. So don’t let this post scare you away. The Cathie you know and I am sure have come to love will be back in my next post.

 

 

 

Menopause be Damned!

I don’t know when it happened, nor did I say I was ready. No one told me menopause would be so darn painful; both physically and emotionally; for myself and those living under the same roof.

Have you noticed all the subtle changes that take place in your body? Changes no one warned you about? And of course those that you are too embarrassed to talk about or tell anyone. Lucky for you my dear ladies, I am not one to keep things to myself, personal or otherwise.

One reason is because I don’t want to believe I could possibly be the only woman out there who is suffering from menopause’s evil tricks. (Not all ladies have the luxury to take hormone therapy). The other reason is because I am hoping you will be brave enough to share your own experiences and perhaps some helpful advice to conquer some of the maddening symptoms menopause strikes us with. Take hot flashes for instance. I had been warned that these would be very uncomfortable, but who knew they would be embarrassing as well? Have you been hit by one while on the job. In a meeting. Someone looks at you as if to say, “what is wrong with you woman?” Or, the sympathetic look that says, “Oh poor dear, you are having a hot flash aren’t you?” No lady, I’m fantasizing about that hunk that just walked by. Of course I am you foolish woman! Why else would I be undressing in the middle of January in 25 degree weather.

And of course mother nature likes to play jokes. You notice a few days have gone by and not one hot flash?  Just as you relax and think, oh thank  God its over, boom, you are hit with a flash that feels like a volcano took over your entire body, sweat oozing from every poor like lava. Sweat pouring down your face and neck into your cleavage, if you have one. I never did until I got older and no longer needed the damn things. Now I can just let them sag into my underwear, who needs a bra.

OK so back to the issue at hand. Menopause. Have you noticed your moods are like riding a roller coaster? One moment you are on top of the world, two seconds later you are ready to walk out on your marriage and you are hurling insults at the poor man called your husband. I hate that I have to apologize for ripping his head off. Doesn’t matter that he deserved it at the moment. Same thing at work. One minute I love my co-workers, the next they are as useless as rocks. Then there are the depressive moments. Life just sucks. When will these symptoms go away? And suddenly the horrifying thought comes, maybe they never do!

How much weight have you put on since you hit menopause? If you are one of those ladies who are lucky enough to answer, none, let me just be honest and say I hate you. I have gone from a nice petite size 8 to a bloating hippo of size 12 and quickly moving to 14. I swear to you I am gaining poundage every month! Yes, I am eating more. But how do you ignore or fight off the cravings for the very foods that are making you fat? I have an opinion on why mother nature is doing this to us. She is protecting us from harming ourselves if we fall. Really, no joke. Look  at the frail elderly women; what do they break when they fall? Exactly, their hips. So those of us who now have  “curves” do not need to worry about breaking our hips; we have padding. But I don’t want padding of this size!  And if any of you comment to exercise and eat healthy food, I will delete your silly comment! I already know this stuff. I just don’t have the discipline or on some days, the desire to do what is healthy. So it is a lose lose situation. You diet and exercise and feel deprived and miserable. Or you eat what you love and still feel miserable because you put on more pounds. I think Mother nature should be referred to as Father nature. A women would never do this to her own species.

OK, now for the really embarrassing symptom that goes with the later menopausal years. Vaginal dryness. Just when we are at the time in our lives where birth control is no longer an issue, nor working around our menstrual cycles, (no, I did  not have sex during my period, that was just too messy and disgusting for me). So now  these are no longer issues or interferences for love making, and I am at the time in my life where I should be enjoying sex with my husband, it is too painful. So we buy over the counter remedies, only to get an infection or have to wear a damn pad so as not to wet our pants from liquid dripping out of our private areas. Oh come on, you know what I’m talking about. May as well still have my period for goodness sakes. Oh this reminds me. Have you ever wondered why women don’t reach for the tissue box after love making in the movies?  Guess they didn’t really please their man did they. Ha ha.

Yes, I was offered medications for normal estrogen, the ring and creams. But for some odd reason the insurance companies think sex is not a medical necessity. Hell it isn’t!  If you want to continue having a happy healthy marriage it sure as hell is. And who can afford $300.00 for something that might work? I will be honest however. There was a time when I could not wait for my husband to finally desire sex less often. And now I have what I have been waiting for, and dammit, now my hormones are screaming for sex and more sex. OK, not really. But cuddling is still fun and desired. But I don’t want to make him think I am wanting more. Sometimes I do, but more times  I don’t. Perhaps this will change in my 60s. Does it?

I will be turning 60 this year and will write my next post about all the emotions and thoughts I am having about that!

So, that about covers it for me. Menopause stinks more than I had anticipated and it makes me wonder if I stink from all the sweating. Now I know why perfume is so popular, not to mention expensive! Really, why are all the things that make a woman feel attractive and desirable so damn expensive?

I want to be able to say men have it easy. No periods, no pregnancies and no menopause. But ladies lets be honest. They do have to put up with our moodiness and yes, meanness during these times. And they too, have to deal with their changing bodies. Why else do you think Viagra is so popular?

Well, if anyone out there is experiencing the same hell I am, I sure hope to hear from you. I was open and honest about this delicate area in our lives, so can you! Remember, you are not alone. Menopause be damned, we shall prevail in spite of it! We are still women. We are still desirable, just in a different manner. We are still important to society. We are not getting old, we are getting strong! We can laugh back at natures cruelty and say, “I will not let this get me down. No, I will enjoy my life in spite of menopause and its symptoms. Are you ladies with me? Of course you are.

 

I don’t want to be married Anymore!

Is it wrong to not want to be married anymore after 20 years? Am I a bad person if I get irritated that my husband, a good man, bugs the hell out of me? I just get tired of him being around all the time. I get up, he is there; I come home from work, he is there; when I go to bed, he is definitely there. I just want days where I have the house to myself. To be able to have friends drop by anytime they please without having to plan it around his schedule, or give him a heads up so he can plan an evening in his bedroom. Is it so terrible to want my own place? Am I alone in these desires?

I love my husband. He is a good person deep down. But truth be told, he is a bother these days. He is like a house leech attached to his chair or computer. His presence can be felt like a ghost, you sense it, but it is invisible. This wonderful man is not one  to sit down and have a good conversation with. Unless that is, you want his opinion on everything you bring up. Being perfectly content with his computer or books, it can feel lonely at times. Not important or special. We have become those old married couples who some days, just tolerates one another.

I am not getting any younger and feel I am missing out on having a fun, fulfilling life. Or perhaps I am using him for an excuse not to live life in a manner that brings joy and excitement into my life. I am standing around watching friends and others experience new adventures and card night. If I were to start living outside my relationship with this spouse of mine, it only brings about a sense of guilt for having fun while he stays home. It doesn’t occur to me that perhaps that is what makes him content and happy. The poor man, he doesn’t understand what would make his life more pleasant. If only he would listen to my advice.

We are so different, he and I. I love to be around friends and yes, strangers if they are interesting. My husband  is content being with himself alone. I don’t think he was looking for a wife when we got married. He was looking for a companion. Someone to be there when it was convenient or he had a need.

In all fairness I must admit he has his good qualities. He must or we wouldn’t still be together, would we? Oh dear, another question. If I were to wake up one day and decide this was not what I wanted anymore, would I have the courage to get out? Would it be right? Or is this all a part of going through menopause, or perhaps a midlife crisis, although I am more a senior now. But we will discuss that in my next post.

So then, my goal for this coming weekend will be to ask myself and meditate on how I can find my own space in this double wide trailer. Where and how do I set a room that can work as my sanctuary. My own personal space. I will get back to you next week on what I have accomplished. Do not be alarmed if one morning I simply changed the locks when he went out for a bit. Hey don’t judge, its the easier simpler way. It would keep us from having a break up over a huge fight. Oh don’t fret, it is just a fantasy, I wouldn’t really do it. Would I?

 

Recovering The Spirit Within

I wasn’t raised in the church, I did, however,  go through the whole Catholic rituals as a child, but we stopped going after I made my first Communion. I missed it terribly for some time. It was while I was going to Catechism that I first remember believing in a loving God. I would look outside my bedroom window after my dad was done beating my mom and it was all quiet again. I would stare at the stars and smile, because deep down I knew there was a God of sorts who did love me, even if I didn’t understand who God was I knew I was somehow apart of him. I believed God loved me and I wanted to go be with him in heaven.

As the years went on and the abuse and violence in our home continued to get worse I lost sight of God. I no longer believed nor took time to think about him. My life was a mess in all areas. My great granddad came to live with us when I was 11 years old and molested me at the age of 12. However, I loved him. He showed me that he too, despite what he had done, loved me. He was always so happy and relieved when I came home from running away. Even after he had stopped the molestation, he continued to show love for me. I loved him so very much. I remember to this day, the night he died. I had gone in to check on him. He was not responding, he was just laying  there with glazed over eyes. I called my mother at work, she said to leave him alone and let him sleep. The next day when I came  as I was waking towards my house after school, I saw the “car” leaving our driveway. I knew in my heart Opa had died. I was alone. During this time, my mother had begun studying Wicca. She didn’t call it that. She spoke of it as the “Old Religion.” We saw movies about how “witches” were tortured and killed. What these people actually were , were healers. They  used the earths abundance of herbs to treat various illnesses. My sisters and I began doing seances as well. I was comfortable and at peace in this spiritual part of my life.

Anyway, after Opa had died, I felt alone. The one person I felt truly cared about me and made me feel special was gone (he had stopped molesting me by this time). One night I was missing him terribly. I had just been raped (I didn’t call it that at the time) by my father. I remember going upstairs to the attic and trying to invoke Opa’s spirit back to me. I knew in my heart that if anyone would come back to help me, to give me hope, it would be him. Nothing happened. No matter how much I tried to invoke his spirit, he did not return. I was alone. It was that night I stopped believing in another world outside this one. I no longer believed in a God of the universe.

Deep within me though, I knew I was a spiritual being inhabiting a human body. I had this type of what we call today, a sixth sense that I was a part of something outside myself, the same feeling I had back when  I was little. But back then I was again following the church teachings of God being “Up there” in heaven. Today I am once again following that voice within. Deep within us, I believe, is a soul that wants to be heard. Wants me to hear it and live by it. I call it my inner spirit. This spirit within each of us is connected to the great God of this universe. I have also come believe that this magnificent force that created this universe, gave life to all living things on our planet earth. From the trees to the human beings. We are all connected to this awesome Creator and to each other . This Creator is so loving that it allows us to define it in anyway that makes us feel apart of it. It allows us to call it by whatever name or belief we come to that gives us hope, courage and direction in our lives.

It has taken a long time for me to come to peace with my faith. I am still growing in it and allowing this Guardian of Life to continually show me how loved and cared for I am. How can I not be loved by something that has created and given me life? What I do with this life is up to me. I can continue to spend time alone and listen for the Guardian’s voice,  Its direction. Or I can continue trying to control my life and all that is going on around me. Which, by the way, I have learned is false truth. I actually have no control over those around me. The only control I have is how I react to those around me and the situations that come into my life.

When I make a conscious effort to be apart of this Creative force I notice something really cool. I begin writing more. I begin to hear things that give me a topic to write about. I am stopped in my tracks by a sentence in something I am reading that gives me a point of direction I could not have come up with on my own. I no longer feel alone in this troubling  world. I know deep within my spirit that no matter how terrible my life may appear at times, I can go within and ask my “God” for help, courage and strength to get past it. And when I do I get surrounded by people who love me. And again, I know I am not alone.

So, is there a God? Do any of  us really know? It doesn’t matter to me what this Guardian force is called. What matters to me is that I choose to believe it exists and that I am apart of it, it radiates within me. What harm is there in believing in a Higher Power of some kind? The only problem I see is when we use this Being to harm those who do not have the same belief as we do. Who use this force to kill innocent people. I do not believe our Creator had this in mind when we began to evolve.

Today I choose to do my utmost best to live as i believe the Spirit within wants me to. I can either listen for its direction, through people, books, movies, you name it , The Guardian of us all will use it to get our attention. And sometimes, the Spirit will speak to me through a sudden, unexpected thought or idea. Usually at the most inconvenient time as well. So there is the sense of humor coming out.

I am at peace for the first time since childhood. Before the ugliness of the physical world showed me evil. When I was still a naive, innocent child with a child’s untainted faith in a spirit being who loves her. I follow my own belief and truth now. And i know that this belief and truth can and will change as I grow and change. It is important however, to know that it is Always with me no matter what name I give it. It is never changing. It never leaves me as long as I am breathing. For it is this Powerful Force that is connected to the spirit within me. And when it calls me back to it I will cease living as a human being; but I will continue living as a living Spirit. Soul. And it is up to this Guardian Force, whatever it is as to whether or not I am brought back as another physical being or if I remain within itself.

So I realize this was a long post. But it was something I could not hold inside myself. I had to share it. It is such a big part of me and I am so excited that I have recovered my Spirit within! I am excited to see how I am directed in my life and what it is I will do with whatever time I have left in this body. I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself, whom I left a long long time ago, has slowly  restored me  sanity, by doing so, has guided me on a path where I have recovered the spirit within. I smile as I finish this piece. I hope it resonates with others who are on the same spiritual journey.