What Can I Do?

It’s time to use our “Nagging” skills! Ladies! This came to me one night while I was sitting back complaining about how bad it is right now with the White House Administration. It was a wake up call, thinking  about how other women are out there doing something. It doesn’t matter that they may not succeed in getting laws changed, it matters that they are being pro-active, giving all their effort into the fight. These brave women are not taking the easier softer way, or  letting others do the fighting for them. No, they are out there doing walks of protest, calling their Senators etc.. What I am doing is taking on the role of being a victim. It is so much easier to be a victim than to stand up and fight.

Fighting brings confrontation and fear of being wrong. The old tapes from childhood rear their ugly heads to remind me I am not good enough, strong enough or have the intelligence to get involved. But I have been asking myself lately, “is this really who I want to be today?” Ladies, is it who you are? We can change this victimization. It will take guts and endurance. It will be hard, but as a dear friend reminds me; “yes, Cathie my dear, it is hard, but it is “do-able”. So how far am I willing to go, to take responsibility and be pro-active about the changes that are occurring under the new administration?

We as women have come a long way in the past 50 years. And in the last ten we have progressed far in the GLTG population. Is it worth a few uncomfortable, difficult moments to keep the rights and freedoms we have gained as women and minorities? Remember ladies, we are not alone in this fight! There are millions of women and minorities standing up together, fighting to keep our freedom and to gain more roles in our lives and those of our children’s. Do we want the next generation of women to be put back to the “bare foot and pregnant era? Do we want our little girls to believe they are no longer equal in society to men? You may believe this is impossible and won’t happen. Wake up my dears, open your eyes, it is already happening. Our new administration is male dominant, males who feel they are superior to women and perhaps all citizens perhaps.

The new commander in chief is doing as he pleases and at our cost. Our future is no longer secure. As fearful as it may be for those of us who lack confidence and still overcoming past false beliefs about ourselves, we must stand up for ourselves.

Our phone calls may go unheeded, our letters of protest may end up in the garbage pail. However, we can’t let that stop us. This is the time for us to take that reputation of being “nags” to good use. Start nagging your politicians.

I don’t know if this post will make a difference. Not sure I really care. I just needed to get it out and move on. But I will move on standing up, not sitting in a chair whining. Not anymore! I will not give up so easily. I don’t know about you ladies out there, but I have had enough of feeling controlled and out of control. Powerlessness cannot continue to run my life. But it helps to stand up when you know you support from your fellow sisters out there.

What really knocks my socks off is how our new Commander in Chief even wants that position after seeing all the protests around or nations. I would have run with my head between my legs after the first march! Either he is really confident, (arrogant really), or he is truly blind to it all. I am not a political activist, which you no doubt already figured out from this post, but my passion to keep us from being pushed back into the 1800s frightens me. And all I see in our new Administration is strong conservative, arrogant men who have very low opinion of women and are so afraid of the power we have gained in the world.

Oh well, it is time to move on. I am writing out of my comfort zone. On a lighter note, I have some positive actions coming up in my life that I am excited to share. So don’t let this post scare you away. The Cathie you know and I am sure have come to love will be back in my next post.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Menopause be Damned!

I don’t know when it happened, nor did I say I was ready. No one told me menopause would be so darn painful; both physically and emotionally; for myself and those living under the same roof.

Have you noticed all the subtle changes that take place in your body? Changes no one warned you about? And of course those that you are too embarrassed to talk about or tell anyone. Lucky for you my dear ladies, I am not one to keep things to myself, personal or otherwise.

One reason is because I don’t want to believe I could possibly be the only woman out there who is suffering from menopause’s evil tricks. (Not all ladies have the luxury to take hormone therapy). The other reason is because I am hoping you will be brave enough to share your own experiences and perhaps some helpful advice to conquer some of the maddening symptoms menopause strikes us with. Take hot flashes for instance. I had been warned that these would be very uncomfortable, but who knew they would be embarrassing as well? Have you been hit by one while on the job. In a meeting. Someone looks at you as if to say, “what is wrong with you woman?” Or, the sympathetic look that says, “Oh poor dear, you are having a hot flash aren’t you?” No lady, I’m fantasizing about that hunk that just walked by. Of course I am you foolish woman! Why else would I be undressing in the middle of January in 25 degree weather.

And of course mother nature likes to play jokes. You notice a few days have gone by and not one hot flash?  Just as you relax and think, oh thank  God its over, boom, you are hit with a flash that feels like a volcano took over your entire body, sweat oozing from every poor like lava. Sweat pouring down your face and neck into your cleavage, if you have one. I never did until I got older and no longer needed the damn things. Now I can just let them sag into my underwear, who needs a bra.

OK so back to the issue at hand. Menopause. Have you noticed your moods are like riding a roller coaster? One moment you are on top of the world, two seconds later you are ready to walk out on your marriage and you are hurling insults at the poor man called your husband. I hate that I have to apologize for ripping his head off. Doesn’t matter that he deserved it at the moment. Same thing at work. One minute I love my co-workers, the next they are as useless as rocks. Then there are the depressive moments. Life just sucks. When will these symptoms go away? And suddenly the horrifying thought comes, maybe they never do!

How much weight have you put on since you hit menopause? If you are one of those ladies who are lucky enough to answer, none, let me just be honest and say I hate you. I have gone from a nice petite size 8 to a bloating hippo of size 12 and quickly moving to 14. I swear to you I am gaining poundage every month! Yes, I am eating more. But how do you ignore or fight off the cravings for the very foods that are making you fat? I have an opinion on why mother nature is doing this to us. She is protecting us from harming ourselves if we fall. Really, no joke. Look  at the frail elderly women; what do they break when they fall? Exactly, their hips. So those of us who now have  “curves” do not need to worry about breaking our hips; we have padding. But I don’t want padding of this size!  And if any of you comment to exercise and eat healthy food, I will delete your silly comment! I already know this stuff. I just don’t have the discipline or on some days, the desire to do what is healthy. So it is a lose lose situation. You diet and exercise and feel deprived and miserable. Or you eat what you love and still feel miserable because you put on more pounds. I think Mother nature should be referred to as Father nature. A women would never do this to her own species.

OK, now for the really embarrassing symptom that goes with the later menopausal years. Vaginal dryness. Just when we are at the time in our lives where birth control is no longer an issue, nor working around our menstrual cycles, (no, I did  not have sex during my period, that was just too messy and disgusting for me). So now  these are no longer issues or interferences for love making, and I am at the time in my life where I should be enjoying sex with my husband, it is too painful. So we buy over the counter remedies, only to get an infection or have to wear a damn pad so as not to wet our pants from liquid dripping out of our private areas. Oh come on, you know what I’m talking about. May as well still have my period for goodness sakes. Oh this reminds me. Have you ever wondered why women don’t reach for the tissue box after love making in the movies?  Guess they didn’t really please their man did they. Ha ha.

Yes, I was offered medications for normal estrogen, the ring and creams. But for some odd reason the insurance companies think sex is not a medical necessity. Hell it isn’t!  If you want to continue having a happy healthy marriage it sure as hell is. And who can afford $300.00 for something that might work? I will be honest however. There was a time when I could not wait for my husband to finally desire sex less often. And now I have what I have been waiting for, and dammit, now my hormones are screaming for sex and more sex. OK, not really. But cuddling is still fun and desired. But I don’t want to make him think I am wanting more. Sometimes I do, but more times  I don’t. Perhaps this will change in my 60s. Does it?

I will be turning 60 this year and will write my next post about all the emotions and thoughts I am having about that!

So, that about covers it for me. Menopause stinks more than I had anticipated and it makes me wonder if I stink from all the sweating. Now I know why perfume is so popular, not to mention expensive! Really, why are all the things that make a woman feel attractive and desirable so damn expensive?

I want to be able to say men have it easy. No periods, no pregnancies and no menopause. But ladies lets be honest. They do have to put up with our moodiness and yes, meanness during these times. And they too, have to deal with their changing bodies. Why else do you think Viagra is so popular?

Well, if anyone out there is experiencing the same hell I am, I sure hope to hear from you. I was open and honest about this delicate area in our lives, so can you! Remember, you are not alone. Menopause be damned, we shall prevail in spite of it! We are still women. We are still desirable, just in a different manner. We are still important to society. We are not getting old, we are getting strong! We can laugh back at natures cruelty and say, “I will not let this get me down. No, I will enjoy my life in spite of menopause and its symptoms. Are you ladies with me? Of course you are.

 

I don’t want to be married Anymore!

Is it wrong to not want to be married anymore after 20 years? Am I a bad person if I get irritated that my husband, a good man, bugs the hell out of me? I just get tired of him being around all the time. I get up, he is there; I come home from work, he is there; when I go to bed, he is definitely there. I just want days where I have the house to myself. To be able to have friends drop by anytime they please without having to plan it around his schedule, or give him a heads up so he can plan an evening in his bedroom. Is it so terrible to want my own place? Am I alone in these desires?

I love my husband. He is a good person deep down. But truth be told, he is a bother these days. He is like a house leech attached to his chair or computer. His presence can be felt like a ghost, you sense it, but it is invisible. This wonderful man is not one  to sit down and have a good conversation with. Unless that is, you want his opinion on everything you bring up. Being perfectly content with his computer or books, it can feel lonely at times. Not important or special. We have become those old married couples who some days, just tolerates one another.

I am not getting any younger and feel I am missing out on having a fun, fulfilling life. Or perhaps I am using him for an excuse not to live life in a manner that brings joy and excitement into my life. I am standing around watching friends and others experience new adventures and card night. If I were to start living outside my relationship with this spouse of mine, it only brings about a sense of guilt for having fun while he stays home. It doesn’t occur to me that perhaps that is what makes him content and happy. The poor man, he doesn’t understand what would make his life more pleasant. If only he would listen to my advice.

We are so different, he and I. I love to be around friends and yes, strangers if they are interesting. My husband  is content being with himself alone. I don’t think he was looking for a wife when we got married. He was looking for a companion. Someone to be there when it was convenient or he had a need.

In all fairness I must admit he has his good qualities. He must or we wouldn’t still be together, would we? Oh dear, another question. If I were to wake up one day and decide this was not what I wanted anymore, would I have the courage to get out? Would it be right? Or is this all a part of going through menopause, or perhaps a midlife crisis, although I am more a senior now. But we will discuss that in my next post.

So then, my goal for this coming weekend will be to ask myself and meditate on how I can find my own space in this double wide trailer. Where and how do I set a room that can work as my sanctuary. My own personal space. I will get back to you next week on what I have accomplished. Do not be alarmed if one morning I simply changed the locks when he went out for a bit. Hey don’t judge, its the easier simpler way. It would keep us from having a break up over a huge fight. Oh don’t fret, it is just a fantasy, I wouldn’t really do it. Would I?

 

Recovering The Spirit Within

I wasn’t raised in the church, I did, however,  go through the whole Catholic rituals as a child, but we stopped going after I made my first Communion. I missed it terribly for some time. It was while I was going to Catechism that I first remember believing in a loving God. I would look outside my bedroom window after my dad was done beating my mom and it was all quiet again. I would stare at the stars and smile, because deep down I knew there was a God of sorts who did love me, even if I didn’t understand who God was I knew I was somehow apart of him. I believed God loved me and I wanted to go be with him in heaven.

As the years went on and the abuse and violence in our home continued to get worse I lost sight of God. I no longer believed nor took time to think about him. My life was a mess in all areas. My great granddad came to live with us when I was 11 years old and molested me at the age of 12. However, I loved him. He showed me that he too, despite what he had done, loved me. He was always so happy and relieved when I came home from running away. Even after he had stopped the molestation, he continued to show love for me. I loved him so very much. I remember to this day, the night he died. I had gone in to check on him. He was not responding, he was just laying  there with glazed over eyes. I called my mother at work, she said to leave him alone and let him sleep. The next day when I came  as I was waking towards my house after school, I saw the “car” leaving our driveway. I knew in my heart Opa had died. I was alone. During this time, my mother had begun studying Wicca. She didn’t call it that. She spoke of it as the “Old Religion.” We saw movies about how “witches” were tortured and killed. What these people actually were , were healers. They  used the earths abundance of herbs to treat various illnesses. My sisters and I began doing seances as well. I was comfortable and at peace in this spiritual part of my life.

Anyway, after Opa had died, I felt alone. The one person I felt truly cared about me and made me feel special was gone (he had stopped molesting me by this time). One night I was missing him terribly. I had just been raped (I didn’t call it that at the time) by my father. I remember going upstairs to the attic and trying to invoke Opa’s spirit back to me. I knew in my heart that if anyone would come back to help me, to give me hope, it would be him. Nothing happened. No matter how much I tried to invoke his spirit, he did not return. I was alone. It was that night I stopped believing in another world outside this one. I no longer believed in a God of the universe.

Deep within me though, I knew I was a spiritual being inhabiting a human body. I had this type of what we call today, a sixth sense that I was a part of something outside myself, the same feeling I had back when  I was little. But back then I was again following the church teachings of God being “Up there” in heaven. Today I am once again following that voice within. Deep within us, I believe, is a soul that wants to be heard. Wants me to hear it and live by it. I call it my inner spirit. This spirit within each of us is connected to the great God of this universe. I have also come believe that this magnificent force that created this universe, gave life to all living things on our planet earth. From the trees to the human beings. We are all connected to this awesome Creator and to each other . This Creator is so loving that it allows us to define it in anyway that makes us feel apart of it. It allows us to call it by whatever name or belief we come to that gives us hope, courage and direction in our lives.

It has taken a long time for me to come to peace with my faith. I am still growing in it and allowing this Guardian of Life to continually show me how loved and cared for I am. How can I not be loved by something that has created and given me life? What I do with this life is up to me. I can continue to spend time alone and listen for the Guardian’s voice,  Its direction. Or I can continue trying to control my life and all that is going on around me. Which, by the way, I have learned is false truth. I actually have no control over those around me. The only control I have is how I react to those around me and the situations that come into my life.

When I make a conscious effort to be apart of this Creative force I notice something really cool. I begin writing more. I begin to hear things that give me a topic to write about. I am stopped in my tracks by a sentence in something I am reading that gives me a point of direction I could not have come up with on my own. I no longer feel alone in this troubling  world. I know deep within my spirit that no matter how terrible my life may appear at times, I can go within and ask my “God” for help, courage and strength to get past it. And when I do I get surrounded by people who love me. And again, I know I am not alone.

So, is there a God? Do any of  us really know? It doesn’t matter to me what this Guardian force is called. What matters to me is that I choose to believe it exists and that I am apart of it, it radiates within me. What harm is there in believing in a Higher Power of some kind? The only problem I see is when we use this Being to harm those who do not have the same belief as we do. Who use this force to kill innocent people. I do not believe our Creator had this in mind when we began to evolve.

Today I choose to do my utmost best to live as i believe the Spirit within wants me to. I can either listen for its direction, through people, books, movies, you name it , The Guardian of us all will use it to get our attention. And sometimes, the Spirit will speak to me through a sudden, unexpected thought or idea. Usually at the most inconvenient time as well. So there is the sense of humor coming out.

I am at peace for the first time since childhood. Before the ugliness of the physical world showed me evil. When I was still a naive, innocent child with a child’s untainted faith in a spirit being who loves her. I follow my own belief and truth now. And i know that this belief and truth can and will change as I grow and change. It is important however, to know that it is Always with me no matter what name I give it. It is never changing. It never leaves me as long as I am breathing. For it is this Powerful Force that is connected to the spirit within me. And when it calls me back to it I will cease living as a human being; but I will continue living as a living Spirit. Soul. And it is up to this Guardian Force, whatever it is as to whether or not I am brought back as another physical being or if I remain within itself.

So I realize this was a long post. But it was something I could not hold inside myself. I had to share it. It is such a big part of me and I am so excited that I have recovered my Spirit within! I am excited to see how I am directed in my life and what it is I will do with whatever time I have left in this body. I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself, whom I left a long long time ago, has slowly  restored me  sanity, by doing so, has guided me on a path where I have recovered the spirit within. I smile as I finish this piece. I hope it resonates with others who are on the same spiritual journey.

Jesus vs the Joel Osteen’s of the World

So, I just saw a photo of Joel Osteen in his million dollar private jet that he does not have to pay taxes on, while the people paying him all this money for tickets do have to pay taxes. Yes, they can deduct what they give to the church. But is this really what Jesus was about? Where in the Gospels or anywhere else does it talk about his followers being rich? All I’ve read about Jesus and his followers is how much they suffered for believing in him. They were hungry and did not have a lot of things. Yet, today those who teach “The word of God” are in large mansions, flying in million dollar jets; fancy clothes, rich jewelry. And they say they are blessed by God. Well I am not a fan. Whatever I have read about Jesus, was about him being AMONG the sick, poor and sinners. He didn’t preach from a fancy podiums, nor rich, fancy churches He spoke to the people where they lived. No fancy sermons. He simply prayed for Gods help and just spoke about his father from his heart. When you speak from you heart, only truth can come. Is it wrong for preachers to be comfortable or rich? Perhaps not. After all, can they help it if people are ignorant enough to pay to hear them preach or read their books? I simply have a problem watching these rich fancy speakers telling their followers what they want to hear; or what they need to do to be “saved.” living so richly that they forget who needs to know about the love of God. The street people, the terminally ill, the elderly, you get my point. These are the people Jesus would walk among. And! This amazing spiritual teacher NEVER promised his listeners they would be blessed with riches. No, he spoke only of God and his love for the poor and the sinners. If they followed him they would have strength. It would come, I believe, through their faith in God’s love for them. Not from receiving “rewards” as a good follower. So why are folks drawn to these speakers of God? I watched Joyce Meyers for a bit. Wanted to see her, listen to her. Then I went to one of her speaking engagements here in Denver CO. You know what I experienced? A well rehearsed show. And that is what these people, I believe, are all about. Showmanship. Give a good show, tell the people what they want to hear and bang, the money comes flowing in and you are rich. Oh I am sorry, you are blessed. While these speakers, (notice I don’t call them preachers) are in safe places wearing rich clothes, the poor are not hearing them, they are in the streets where there is no television or radio. But that’s ok. They are not who you are trying to reach are they? No, you are trying to reach out to those who have the money to pay for a ticket to hear you. Am I judging? Damn straight. Because I hear your words, you use bible verses to suit your cause and leave the most important lessons behind. Where was Jesus? In the streets, in the homes of sinners, dirty people, poor people. Jesus wasn’t sharing God’s truth for money or comfort, but because it was his real truth. He said the kingdom of God is within you. Nor up in heaven. Within you. I feel this is a spiritual message, not a religious dogma. And I cannot believe for one minute that he would be happy watching people like Joel Osteen or Joyce Meyers and other rich evangelical getting rich off fancy words this wonderful teacher, Jesus, never intended to be used in this manner. If I were a believer, I certainly would love to see the risen Christ come back right now and take on the Joel Osteen’s of the world. Get rid of that damn jet and put some people back in homes they have lost; food in the mouths of orphans you preach so much about saving. Do you really need all that you have? Really? I can’t help but wonder if Jesus would be proud of your ability to reach out to so many lost people through your workers; or would he be disappointed that you didn’t use your means to reach out to those who truly need to “see” the love of God through example and giving. I get nauseas anytime I see people like Joel or Bennie. I see ego. Plain and simple. They have made themselves out to be Gods themselves to these followers. The attention is on them, not Jesus. A true spiritual person who truly follows the teachings of this spiritual teacher, Jesus, is out in the dredges of the slums and sick showing God’s love. Mother Theresa is a great example of this. So to all you rich evangelicals, I say, “shame on you!” Why aren’t you in the streets with the poor, dirty, sick human beings, working alongside them, risking your own life and health instead of fancy mansions and jets? But this is all just my opinion. I guess I feel strongly today about this because it is such an important holiday to these “followers “.

Get out and vote! Why Bother?

So Bernie Sanders has won several caucuses over Hilary Clinton. What are the people telling the Government? They want Sanders. But he won’t win. Why? Because the two parties are the only parties allowed to run in the end. Even though we the people show who we want, our votes won’t count. Not when it comes to the primary votes. It is rigged in such a way that only a Democrat or Republican will be in the final running. So why do we vote?  The Independent voters and independent Presidential candidates don’t count.

What are the two parties afraid of? Especially the Republican party? I believe they are afraid they will not be able to tell an Independent President how to run the country. The rich corporations and insurance companies won’t have a hold on the Independent President. An independent, I believe, would truly be for the U. S. and its citizens than any President we have had in many years.

We need someone strong enough to stand up to  these big corporations and insurance companies. A whole new Senate committee who are for the people., not for the money they will get for doing what these mongrels want.

People want change. But we won’t get it. Not as long as we hold onto the two parties.We need to take power back away from the super delegates as well. Don’t give them the final decision over who can run in the final campaign. Let ALL citizen votes count throughout the whole campaign. Take away the parties; let all citizen;’s votes  count. If we are not doing this, then why do we have a voting system where only a republican or democrat  can run in the final running. We want change. What doesn’t the government get? We want our jobs brought back to America, what don’t these corporations get? We are paying thousands of dollars for insurance only to have to pay even more out of pocket before the insurance companies will pay. What don’t they get? They are killing their own people. Greed has become the norm, the power that runs our country. Citizens don’t matter. And that is what is causing people to be discouraged about voting and about their government.

Why would we want to support our a government refuses to protect us from these rich power’s? Why would we want to serve our government when it won’t even protect or take care of those who are badly mutilated serving it?  These young men and women are giving up their lives for this country and they still have to pay for all their uniforms! Yet we put clothes on the backs of  those who come over here illegally and learn quickly how to manipulate the system. Sorry folks, Trump has it right when it comes to our government being stupid by allowing all these people from other countries to just come over without question.

I may not be familiar on how the government works; I may not understand the system of allowing people from other countries to just come over here and get aide to start over;and  build  their own businesses, even though we cannot own land or business in their country! I do know this does not make sense. That it is nor in the best interest of the American people. Is it no wonder our youth are joining these enemy groups who are against our country?

No, I honestly don’t believe my vote will count in the end. Yet republicans are loud about those of us who don’t want to vote. I too believe if you don’t vote, you have no place to complain. I will vote. But it will not be for either party. I will throw my vote away to an independent, a no body, before I vote for either republican or democratic party.

Comparing My Insides to Your Outsides

Well I am back. Never really went anywhere, not in my head anyway. But been struggling with trying not to compare myself with others these past months. It is truly disheartening to see young women filled with such self confidence and intelligence with technology, not to mention careers and what they want from life. Each year I go through this process as my birthday comes closer. I look back and realize I am the same person I was last year. Same job, same husband, (I guess that parts good), same home, same insecurities blah blah blah. And it makes me wonder. What am I doing so wrong?

However, this year I can look back and see how I have grown, and how I have begun to change into the woman I hope to become. Instead of looking at women I wish I were like, I have started acting like it! What a concept huh? Also, I look at my job that is going no where and began using it as a practice job for the position I will be in one day. (Did you notice the positive affirmation I just did?). For instance I find myself minding my own business more and staying out of gossip, or keeping from starting it. I firmly but respectfully stand up to those who feel they are superior. And most important I have surrounded myself with women who encourage and love me just as I am, and are also there to encourage where I could change for better. It doesn’t matter how old you are, inside we are all those insecure little boys and girls at times. We just see others outsides and assume it is their insides as well.

I had read other blogs and looked at them and suddenly felt so insecure and inferior. They were all so professional and set up so nicely! Pictures even! I don’t’ have the luxury of a teen or fellow blogger to help me work out the kinks nearby. But a woman told me and a friend what a great writer I was and how I needed to get back at it. So here I am, insecure and fearful. But I am here. My goal last year if I remember right, was not allowing fear to rule my life any longer. And of course as soon as I realized people were reading my blog and although they loved it, it filled me with fear of continuing to write what they would like or not like. I need to remind myself I am writing for myself and because I love it. Actually I love writing and rewriting. The editing is so much fun.

My husband is talking about retiring in a few years. If you don’t think that sent chills up my spine! When did he have the right to get so old? And why is he aging and getting grumpier so much faster than I am? Then reality sinks in and I realize, I am aging right alongside him. Everyday as I do my data entry position I notice how old my hands are looking. When I am crocheting or knitting, I again notice the stiffness that wasn’t there a week ago. My hair is changing color faster and it isn’t coming out of a bottle! I just keep seeing all these new changes happening to my body at an alarming rate of speed and my immature young mentality is not catching up! And yes, there are days when I am terrified.

My husband left for a week long trip yesterday and for a week prior I was having anxiety attacks. All the old “what ifs” came storming into my head. What if he doesn’t make it back? What if he has a stroke or heart attack so far from home? What if, what if. What if I just shut my thoughts off and move on!! First I can’t wait to get rid of the grump for a few days, then I am worrying about losing him. Wish my mind could make itself up already. I do love the guy, but lets face it, I don’t always like him. Some days I want to just smack him a long side his head and scream “Shape up already!”.

So today I enjoyed my regular Saturday brunch lunch with a woman I met and it was so much fun. In the back of my mind though, I caught myself thinking how strange that I didn’t have to think about my spouse and what he was doing while I was sitting here eating with a friend. Of course that means I was still thinking about him! I just can’t win. Lets face it, if my thoughts are focused on him and what he is doing, I don’t have to look at what I am doing. That is a great way to avoid looking at what needs to be changed in me. but it is also a way to miss out on the joy of the moment. That isn’t something I want to continue doing any longer. I am ready to face the truth of life and change what I can and find a way to live with what I can’t. Thank goodness I have a Power greater than myself that guides me and fills me with peace and encouragement whenever I think of her or go to her for comfort.

Writing is so therapeutic. I can never understand why some find it so difficult. It is fun, hard work, but the joy is finding out that the more transparent I become, the less alone I feel in these life situations. My journaling is never meant to hurt anyone and this has stopped me from always being completely open about what is going on or speaking up when the moment is right. but how can this be helpful to you, the reader and to myself? My philosophy of late has been, “No more hiding who I am.” No more secrets. Yes, this can and will set me up to be ridiculed and judged. Maybe I will lose a few friends or family member relationships. I hope it wouldn’t, but that’s not realistic. As a writer of truth we have to be willing to risk losing a few relationships when we share intimate things about ourselves.

This is the next best thing to being “Dear Abby” as I can think of . I always thought it would be so much fun to have people ask me for advise and give it like she did. So instead, I will end this year of my life writing more stories about myself, my life before and now, daily events that are funny or frustrating, and hope to hear others are reading these events and feelings and identifying with me. More importantly, they will gain hope and encouragement that they are not alone or crazy in their thoughts. Or maybe we are and its that is ok too, just so long as we are not harming ourselves or others in the process. I am sadly guilty of both. But am so grateful I can say that in past tense. Not that I don’t continue to hurt others unknowingly. but there was a time I did it intentionally out of anger or ego.

Well, this is a short and very simple post, but I knew if I didn’t put something on here I may never get back at it. So back to the disciplining. Writing every day, and even if I don’t hit the “post” button the first writing, at least I will have written something that day. Life is changing quickly for me emotionally, physically and spiritually. The best time to write don’t you think?