Becoming My Better Self

Recently two big, difficult things came into my life. Loss of job and communication wiht two sisters. Let me start off by saying, it was my choice to quit my job before I was unjustly terminated by a wicked evil step-boss. As I look over the last 7 years of working with this woman, and how I behaved like such a people pleasing child hoping to win her approval and thus causing her to like me and approve of my work; I realize all it got me was 7 years of hard labor with little respect.. I guess its true, to gain respect you have to earn it. I did not. How could I? I had none for myself, how could I possibly expect it from others?

The other difficult decision I made was to have no communication with those two sisters, a long time necessary choice. (Don’t judge me if you happen to have a healthy family background). I have no idea where I am going from here, nor what I want to do in my  next job. I have a lot of these unwelcome pesty thoughts running through my head telling me all the things that will keep someone like me from  gainful employment. Old hands, slightly graying, although beautiful hair, so I am told. And of course, there are those horrible hairs that pop up on your face without warning and you are sure everyone has seen them, but didn’t feel right telling you. My husband is the worst; when I yell at him for not telling me about the foot long hair I had just found, he claims in a defensive tone, “I didn’t notice it!” OK, come on, how could he not see it when we are close up kissing? Alright, its true, its not like he is thinking with the head on his shoulders at these times.  We all know how much we love to walk around showing off our hormonal facial hairs. I feel lately like I am plucking more and more of these damn things. Perhaps I should have my whole face waxed. Has anyone done that? How did help you, or not help you? Please don’t let me do something I will regret just because you did. We have to have each others backs at this time in our lives. Remember back when, we would worry so much about looking just right for an interview? Now its about making sure we check our faces and chins for any lurking hairs.

Ok, so I have no idea what my next step is to be. I suppose it would be looking for a new job. That would be important I suppose, but where do I start? I need a list. A step by step “to-do” list. You know, have a resume, write a cover letter, look on Craigslist, Indeed.com, other sites. Maybe I should look into temp agencies. Its been so long, do you still have to take a typing test? Oh crap did you pick up on that? Worried about a typing test certainly ages me. Now its testing on computer programs. You have to be careful about what you ask and say so you don’t age yourself. (Like my hands and gray hairs won’t). But instead, I find other things that are more important. Household chores. When I first became unemployed I was up and at my desk every morning by 8am. Like I was going to work. Or getting down to the workforce for classes or help of some sorts. Lately, I am lucky if I check one job site. Quitting is no longer an option for me. Taking the easier softer way is no longer acceptable. I must carry on, one foot in front of the other.

Now to positive thinking. I have taken 8 hour classes on Excel, as well as other classes that may be beneficial in my job search. I am learning so much and feel invigorated every time I catch onto something new. It needs to be on my list of “to do” each day so I retain the information. (Of course that is assuming self discipline resides within me, which it does not). I have also begun walking almost everyday; today I went further, hoping it was a mile. I bought a Fitbit that arrived yesterday, hell if I can figure out how to set up the darn thing. Lets face it, when it comes to reading directions I fail miserably. If I can see how it is done I would have been wearing it this morning,

Then there is eating a healthy diet. If I am going to do an exercise program, I may as well top it off with a good diet. Of course we just had my 60th birthday party and I have a quarter of a bag of chips to finish off and several cans of soda. I do not like wasting food, so I will start eating well as I finish off the bag of chips. My weight will probably stay the same or gain pounds rapidly as it seems to be doing for no fault of my own. Menopause has become the go to answer when I do not want to own responsibility for something, like weight gain.

Then there is the washing of my car. Since my husband and I have been together, he has washed my car. Its true, for the past 23 years I have not washed my car. Nor filled it with gas but a few times. Embarrassing when I admit it now. It used to be, “see how great my husband is, he washes and fills up my car.” Recently it is more like, “Dammit I can wash my own car and fill it up too!”

Suddenly reclaiming my long lost independence has become very important. Is this a middle age thing? Hubby is not liking it too much I am sure. It is taking away his sense of being needed. It is ok though, I will let him continue washing his own clothes, he hates how I separate my laundry (lights and darks, no whites). and I will continue to allow him luxury of grocery shopping.

Lets see, what else am I doing for enhancing my better self” Writing on my blog has become more frequent. Takes longer to post because I am not a proficient writer with years of education. I just tell you how it is, not worrying so much about comma’s, dashes and the like. Failed English in high school. You have probably figured that out if you are a regular reader. So, I have to go back the next day and reread the post and look for mistakes or where I could say something better before I hit the Publish button. Reading others blogs was intimidating at first. All I did was compare my writing to their professional writings and picture formats and boom, no more blogging for a while. Feelings of embarrassment and insecurities overwhelmed me. Now, I take it as a learning experience. Following others blogs has brought enjoyment into my life once I dismiss the negative feedback my brain gives me.

Then there is the making my bed every morning. That’s right, this sixty year old woman has not made her bed every morning. It is a waste of time you know, later that same day you then have to put away the pillows, fold down the comforter and crawl into bed. Only to go through the same ritual the next day. I am doing it now because a friend told me if I did this every morning I would gain self discipline. That is going to be a miracle for sure, but hey, why not give it a chance? It does make me feel good when I walk into the bedroom and see the nice bed.

So, learning computer programs, exercise daily, eating a little better, practicing self discipline, writing on a regular basis and oh, I have begun knitting and cross-stitching again when time allows. If I quit watching my favorite television shows time would allow much more allotment for these crafts I enjoy. Truth be told, watching the tube gives my an opportunity to escape my dull life. Writing this shows me what a stupid thing that is. Knitting, crafts, studying new things would help me overcome the belief my life is dull and uneventful. I am active with my social life as well. Great group of women friends that give positive energy to anyone they are around. I hope I am that woman to them.

Well, don’t you think these are good beginnings towards becoming the “Better Me”? Lets say it is. For the next two weeks I will keep track of how I am doing with these activities. Will I see a positive direction or will I see the same old Cathie I have always been, undisciplined, fearful and somewhat insecure. I’m going to look in the mirror every morning and tell myself what a strong, wonderful lady I truly am. I am going to look that lady in the face and say, “Cathie, you are truly becoming a better you.”

 

 

 

 

 

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