Is it wrong to not want to be married anymore after 20 years? Am I a bad person if I get irritated that my husband, a good man, bugs the hell out of me? I just get tired of him being around all the time. I get up, he is there; I come home from work, he is there; when I go to bed, he is definitely there. I just want days where I have the house to myself. To be able to have friends drop by anytime they please without having to plan it around his schedule, or give him a heads up so he can plan an evening in his bedroom. Is it so terrible to want my own place? Am I alone in these desires?
I love my husband. He is a good person deep down. But truth be told, he is a bother these days. He is like a house leech attached to his chair or computer. His presence can be felt like a ghost, you sense it, but it is invisible. This wonderful man is not one to sit down and have a good conversation with. Unless that is, you want his opinion on everything you bring up. Being perfectly content with his computer or books, it can feel lonely at times. Not important or special. We have become those old married couples who some days, just tolerates one another.
I am not getting any younger and feel I am missing out on having a fun, fulfilling life. Or perhaps I am using him for an excuse not to live life in a manner that brings joy and excitement into my life. I am standing around watching friends and others experience new adventures and card night. If I were to start living outside my relationship with this spouse of mine, it only brings about a sense of guilt for having fun while he stays home. It doesn’t occur to me that perhaps that is what makes him content and happy. The poor man, he doesn’t understand what would make his life more pleasant. If only he would listen to my advice.
We are so different, he and I. I love to be around friends and yes, strangers if they are interesting. My husband is content being with himself alone. I don’t think he was looking for a wife when we got married. He was looking for a companion. Someone to be there when it was convenient or he had a need.
In all fairness I must admit he has his good qualities. He must or we wouldn’t still be together, would we? Oh dear, another question. If I were to wake up one day and decide this was not what I wanted anymore, would I have the courage to get out? Would it be right? Or is this all a part of going through menopause, or perhaps a midlife crisis, although I am more a senior now. But we will discuss that in my next post.
So then, my goal for this coming weekend will be to ask myself and meditate on how I can find my own space in this double wide trailer. Where and how do I set a room that can work as my sanctuary. My own personal space. I will get back to you next week on what I have accomplished. Do not be alarmed if one morning I simply changed the locks when he went out for a bit. Hey don’t judge, its the easier simpler way. It would keep us from having a break up over a huge fight. Oh don’t fret, it is just a fantasy, I wouldn’t really do it. Would I?